How does one begin to describe the sensation that vibrates every nanometer of your body, warming your entire core? Putting words to the spectrum of emotions that accompany the enigmatic, penetrating, soothing teacher has been a challenge even before the everlasting moment: when I heard that three-syllable sentence. However, my mission right now is not to understand how or why the illuminating feeling forms, but what it has done for me, what he has done for me and what they have both awaken in me.

I was alone in the dark for some time. I had known light, others named Love, long ago, but their names, their voices and their presence had not been seen, heard or felt for what seemed like an eternity. They had left without warning, which seemed like my fault but was simply circumstantial, nothing personal. But how can someone without candlelight see when a windowless fortress was built around them while they are sleeping? Waking up in the dark, alone and scared, night after night, I called out for help. Nobody answered. After falling a numerous amount of times, cutting my knees against the cobblestone, I was forced to adapt to the dark; it’s all I could know. The only thing I could do was feel the cold stone walls and use them as my crutch. I was bruised, bloody and alone.

Then the day came when I heard a voice call out from outside the dark. Love turned the door knob I could not find. The rays of warm yellow light entered my confined castle. I squinted at Love’s silhouette. I did not know what this was, who he was or what he wanted from me. All he said was, “I love you.” I was not ready for this warm foreign entity and feeling to enter my life, but Love sought me. He invited me to the light. He took me by my hand, pulling with me with all his strength, trying to carry me away the darkness, but I fought back.

After years of blindness and letting the pain consume my heart, there was nothing else I wanted to know. I was ashamed of my scars and wounds and did not want anyone to see them in the daylight. So I punched him, scratched him and cursed him. But Love is determined, even after the many battles in the fortress. Love decided to stay with me in the dark. Listening to the teacher, his whispers in the dark, his lessons and insights; his soul was the most difficult part of the process. It takes time to realize and accept that Love wants to be there for you.

Sitting on the jagged stones in the dark with Love, I began to understand Love’s strength. I started to truly understand the magnitude of Love. How kind love can be. How Love could tightly grasp my hand while I cried on his shoulder in the dark. How Love would listen and look back at me without judgment when I told him my biggest fears. I became dependent on Love and how he made me feel. I knew that I needed Love in my life and I did not want to let him go. But I deprived him of the world, the truth, the sunlight.

I began to understand truths through Love, and naturally I became aware of my selfish nature. How could I do this to Love? How could I let Love suffer and wait with me in this enclosed space while the world passed outside my walls -- his new walls? Love was more important than me and I could not perpetuate the loss of Love in the world. I wanted Love, but I was not ready for him. Letting go of my selfishness, I comprised a plan.

I told Love that I would see the world with him: we would travel overseas, discover new lands, speak new languages, thrive in new cultures, reach towering pinnacles, stand on top on the world, holding hands while we Loved together. Filled with rejoice, he raced outside the walls. Love was so happy to see the world he missed. He spun around with his arms and eyes reaching for the sun. He smiled, basking in the victory. I walked to the exit and stood there for a moment. Was I ready for this? Was I ready for him? Was I ready for Love? Love looked at me and reached his hand out toward me.

Then I closed the door. I walked back to the middle of my fortress and sat there. What’s next? Loneliness in the dark once again.

I contemplated my decision. What did I just do? I let Love go. Love didn’t do anything wrong? Well I didn’t want Love. Did I really reject Love? I told myself I was fine without Love. That I didn’t really need Love in my life. I know what life is like without Love. I didn’t have Love before, or at least not for some time, and I did not need Love now, then or ever. Do I Love?

Then reality hit. The Love withdrawal kicked in. I knew what Love offered. I experienced Love, and once you have Love, there’s no going back.

I raced back to the door and looked through the keyhole. But Love was gone. He was no longer going to wait for me. He was off and running, loving life, and I knew it. He was still engraved in my mind. Although I pushed him out of my home, I could not push him out of my life. Love is stronger than anyone or anything in the world. The war against Love is one you cannot win. You may win battles against Love, but he will always march back to you physically, emotionally, mentally or in spirit, and you will have no choice but accept his presence. This is when you learn to accept Love into your land, your heart and your soul.

Then the fortress walls came crashing down. Blurry-eyed from the dramatic shift in light, I squinted at the ruins around me.

I looked at the stones, some stained red. I walked away from prison. My vision began to adapt to the sunlight. I looked up and saw blue, but not just any old blue: a reflection of the sea stroked softly with a white tipped brush, and I silently thanked Love. Teaching me the beauty in vision and perception. Teaching me it was always my choice to be able to see the sky. The restoration begins. Sunlight showered my pale skin. Steady waves of pure ecstasy rushing through oceans of blood softened, broke and began healing the scars of the past. Facing the scars, seeing the open wounds in the sun, the repressed traumas can be so overwhelming that pain naturally rises. You love so much and it fucking hurts. But Love is kind, and Love is patient. Love knows that you are in the healing process. And I thank Love for teaching me to wash, medicate and monitor my wounds. I began to love myself.

In that moment, Love’s true intention became clear, what he wanted for me. Love wants nothing but the best for anyone. I was hesitant to let Love in, even after pushed him away, but once you experience Love you can only learn and grow.

What I learned from Love is that Love is not just there for you to understand, but for Love to understand you. Love watched me as I pondered my decisions, moving back and forth from one opportunity to another. He listened to me as I told stories that stretched beyond my walls. He loved me. Is that not what I had always wanted? To be respected, to be encouraged, to be forgiven, to let Love in? Love became my counsel, my support, my medicine and my best friend. Love was there when there was no one else, reminding me, teaching me what it is like to love not only others but myself. Although I may never see a Love like my first, I will walk with Love in the sunlight, in my heart for the rest of my life.