It is often not talked about enough and the issue isn't clear until it happens to you.
Some people may think I overreacted about the whole situation, others might say I waited too long to escape it. I was scared, I was fearful of what you would do if I stayed and fearful what would happen if I left. None of the options felt like they would have a good outcome.
My end decision didn't hurt you in the end, but it caused me a year and a half of depression, post-traumatic stress, and endless amounts of anxiety. I can't undo the past and that isn't what I want to do, I just want to thank you for teaching me everything that you did, because without the chance of having a first real relationship I would not be as wise as I am today.
At first, it was all a mental game.
Messing with me psychologically and emotionally so I didn't see it as anything abusive because most people define abuse as being physical. The first comment you ever made that had me concerned was when you threatened the lives of everyone in our high school. I spent hours of the night crying in my bed trying to tell you that things did not have to get to that point and that we could figure it all out the next morning. My mom was worried about me that next day.
When two periods went by with nothing being said but a picture of you hanging yourself, enough was enough. I excused myself from class with tears in my eyes, walked into guidance and explained it to them. How you threatened to kill the school, your entire family, they checked my locker and an officer took you away.
I should've known to escape then.
Three weeks went by of you being away, that was anything but easy for me. I often wished I had never told anyone. I waited for letters to come through your parents and counted down the days until you were home.
When you came home, everything felt normal again. That is for a couple of weeks at least.
I was headed to New York State Swimming Championships and you were meant to go but that changed after everything that happened. You started to act funny again making all sorts of threatening comments. I questioned where it was coming from, but of course, it was from another girl who you supposedly had previous relations with while we were dating. You attempted to ruin the night that any senior swimmer looks forward to, Senior Night. My mom was very upset with you and I was too.
I should've realized it then.
A few more weeks went by, baseball season started and swimming came to an end. College acceptance letters were making their way to mailboxes and decisions needed to be made. It was all so much for you because you just had no idea what was best for you. Practice didn't go well, your parents were upset with you and you refused to go home. Mom and I picked you up and said come over for a bit. We offered to let you stay the night until things got straightened out.
Your parents took that as you leaving; things escalated quickly. Walls were punched, medicine was thrown, voices were raised and the police were called. It was an unbelievable thing to experience. None of that was supposed to happen.
The next morning we picked you up from handcuffs and brought you where you needed to go. Three weeks of living with me. My mom buying you a cell phone, letting you sleep in my living room, going to prom. It all seemed so unreal. Then it happened. I said I think we needed to take a break, find ourselves again. Those hurtful words of "anything that kills Madysen" still ring in my head today.
I didn't leave then either.
My mom asked you to leave and go back home. You were no longer safe with me or welcome at my house. I was encouraged not to have any contact with you and you no longer attended school. We talked when we could but it was less and less as the weeks went on.
May 29th, 2015 I headed to the beach for a concert with my mom, grandma, and three friends. It was a great time until you ruined it again. You made threats about flipping your car, how you were only staying so your brother wouldn't think you were weak. That's when I decided for myself enough was enough. Your number was blocked and my day spent in the city was enjoyable.
We got home later that night and you did the same thing as always. Trying to apologize with flowers and cards, thinking that would make everything better. My mom knew you weren't going home and you were taken by the police to the hospital once again. I turned 18 years old that night. I decided I had to put an end to it all.
It wasn't easy, it took almost a year to move past the hurt and pain you caused me. The two orders of protection that needed to be put in place, the nightmares I continue to have and the medicine I am required to take.
It is nothing I ever asked to be put through, but it allowed me to grow. I struggled through my first semester of college and now am happy about where my life is heading. I can only thank all the people who helped me along through the journey. My parents, my brother, my family friends, and although I lost a lot of friends along the way too, I am glad they decided they couldn't help me. It showed me who was really there for me in the good times and the bad.
To my current boyfriend, thank you for accepting me for my past and not being afraid of the long journey I still have ahead. You are truly the greatest thing to happen in a long time and have continued to help me learn to trust again.
