I spend the day dressed up as the one and only St. Santa Claus. It was a real thrill, and I'd like to share some big takeaways from the experience with you all.
Dressing as Santa Claus is not suitable attire for a church service.
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Correct me if I'm wrong here, but I always thought Santa Claus was an important religious figure. As such, I assumed that if I dressed like him, I would be greeted with open arms at local religious institutions. At 7 of the 8 churches that I visited, they did not greet me with enthusiasm, but rather said hurtful comments such as "You need to dress more appropriately" or "Why are you urinating on the floor? The bathroom is right there." The 8th church was much kinder to me, they made me eggs and pancakes, and I must say, they were absolutely delicious! Granted, that church wasn't really a church in the traditional sense, but rather an IHOP that shared a parking lot with a church that wouldn't let me in. But hey, I'll take what I can get.
You still have to pay for things at stores, even if you're Santa Claus.
This one caught me off guard. I took one of those nice looking color television sets out of the Sears, then when the alarm went off I calmly said, "It's ok, I'm Santa Claus." Clearly the security guard didn't hear me, because he tackled me to the ground, and I spent the next hour in mall jail. Would not recommend.
Many folks confuse Santa Claus with Jesus.
I sneezed, and someone said, "Bless you." Xmas has clearly become way too commercialized to the point that people are blessing Santa Claus instead of the actual religious figure.
Don't try to jump down your neighbor's chimney. Just don't
It took me no less than 2 hours to get out, and I'm pretty sure I sprained my ankle. Instead of milk and cookies, there was frightening birds and fire log residue. I think my neighbor is pretty upset with me too.
Don't try to compete with the mall Santa Clauses. They have this down.
I'm a showman, so I wanted to make my presence in the mall known. But little did I know, the real Santa Claus was already in the mall. Although I was publicly humiliated for not knowing when Christmas is (I could've sworn it was the 17th), Santa did ask me what I wanted for Christmas. So hopefully a sports car and better judgment will be under my tree!
Until next time!
-Bud
