In the past few weeks, I have had to take a long hard look at myself. Honestly, I don't like what I've seen. So here is my tale of woe and how I finally came to realize that yes, it is my fault. If this all seems familiar to you, then maybe this will help someone else before they hurt themselves as much and for as long as I have.
I Wasn't Being Fair to Myself
Being alone for a long time messes with your head in a lot of ways. It's probably why solitary confinement is considered cruel by most. While I haven't been confined from the world physically, I have been emotionally isolated for a very long time. I have thought that I have spent a lot of time trying to figure why I have done this, but in reality, I have spent a lot of time feeling bad for myself that I have done this while remaining blind to my doing it in the first place.
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Alone is scary, and I have been scared; very scared. Alone is my greatest fear - and while there was a point where I welcomed it, needed it even. I don't need it anymore - moreover, I don't want it or welcome it, and there was the beginning of the problem. When it finally occurred to me that I didn't need to hibernate any longer, I went out looking for someone to partner up with. Dating sites, grad school, work, friends or friends, nothing has worked. Now I know why. I wanted someone - almost anyone it seemed. As long as they fit on some level what I was looking for, a few boxes on the list of things that matter to me and I all of sudden decided "ok" this will do. I just settled from the get-go and tried to make everything work out. Of course, it never did, and I was left feeling sad and empty. This has been playing on repeat for nearly four years.
The mistake I made? It's simple if you think about it … I never bothered to get to know people, really get to know them. I never bothered to learn whether or not they were the person that I needed in my life. They were just 'a' person, and for the lonely, scared, and, anxious for the 'next step' girl, that was enough. But in reality - that is nowhere near enough. So I put my own needs on hold to try and calculate how to make this 'relationship' happen. But honestly, how could it? I wasn't being me, I wasn't concerned about me, I wasn't considering what I needed - so how could I rationally be hurt when this other person never cared either. I never made it clear they had to, I never let them figure out how. I just expected everything to fit because I wanted it to.
So the thought I had this morning - what would have happened had I been able to make it fit? What happens if I had gotten one of these guys to stick around? How could I have possibly been happy with someone who decided to stay with someone who didn't care about being loved before they gave themselves up to a fantasy? So I suppose I should actually thank all those guys for respecting me far more than I bothered to - in the sense that they wouldn't let me get stuck with them.
I Wasn't Being Honest with Myself at All
This part is personal, and I would have never come to realize all this about myself if not for one person; who will forever mean the world to me, because he has, in essence, saved me from myself - just by forcing me to look at myself. But despite that … well. I need to tell him this:
"I said I wanted to be your friend. I lied about my feelings. I never actually thought about my feelings. A little crush was enough for me - and then the fun was over and so were we. When I did bother to think about it, I was so mad at myself for having lost you. I wish I had figured this all out before you came around.
But now I just hope the next guy makes me feel the way you do."
While the epiphany may have been this morning, the journey towards it has been ongoing. A couple months ago I first started to realize these things, but was still confused - the guy I was seeing definitely tried to jump ship, but some part of me couldn't let that happen. I felt like I needed him, in a way I haven't felt in a really long time. I didn't understand it, I couldn't explain it, or even put a name to it. So I asked him to be my friend. I told him that was enough.
That was a lie. A big lie, a stupid lie, the lie I regret the most. Last night I was talking to him, and for the first time I was honest with myself, and with him about my feelings. It felt good, to be honest. I told him I was waiting for another chance - maybe I should have been clear and said a fresh start. A total reset - but I suppose that’s not possible. He said we could be friends. He said that would make him happy. He asked if it was too much. I told him I hope not - but today, I have the real answer.
It's not that it's too much - It's that it's not enough. If I stay your friend I will never allow myself to move on … because I can recognize how strong my feelings for you are. Being your friend let me see you, and made me actually fall for you. I hadn't before - not when I was trying so hard to make us 'fit' - but I do now. You told me to be gracious to myself - so I will be. I need more than that from you. If you know you can't ever give me more than that, then as much as it hurts, and as much as it will make me cry - I guess I have to say goodbye. Because I deserve someone who can give me more, but most importantly, I deserve someone who wants to give me more.
What I Have Learned At Long Last
You will be glad to know, I do forgive myself. Finally - I just had to accept my crimes before I could atone for them.
The truth that I have come to realize - literally this morning is this; I'm bored with this part of my life. I am tired of playing this stupid game on repeat. I want the next period of my life to begin. I want it, but I'm also ready for it - finally. I know that for anything real to come into my life I have to let it come in - not push it through the door. But most importantly, I have to wait for someone to want to come in. It seems simple that I should focus on liking people that like me … and it is almost laughable that I have spent so much time never considering it important that I get what I need from someone. All I have looked for is someone who would like me if given the chance. But instead of giving them that chance, I just force the ending, which has a way of bringing it about rather quickly. I'm sick of feeling this way, I'm sick of always trying to make people like me … I'm ready for someone to just actually like me. To want to be with me. I shouldn't have to constantly wonder and pray so I'm not going to anymore. I just can't.
