I led four retreats in high school, and went on four myself. At my school, retreats were some of the things that made us closer as a class. But by leading, I learned more, not just about the retreatants but more about myself. Here are some of the things that being a retreat leader taught me.
1. I can give a fantastic witness talk.
On my first retreat that I led senior year, I gave the final witness talk. On that retreat, the talks were supposed to last about 30 minutes. I played a song before and a song after, "A Car, A Torch, A Death" by Twenty One Pilots, and "Holding on and Letting Go" by Ross Copperman, respectively. I focused on many different things in my talk, altering the night before so that it would fit more with the retreatants. I wanted to tell them things that I had learned in my life that they might not have yet. Because yes, I do believe you need to make mistakes or have bad things happen for you to truly understand, but I would like to give my knowledge to others so they don't make the same mistakes. I was typically the girl who hated getting up in front of people, but retreats taught me to stand up for myself and talk.
2. You have your own battles, but everyone else does as well.
People hide their battles so easily. Half of the stories I heard, I would've never expected. The happiest people you know might be faking it. The bully who treats you so horribly might be having it worse than you know. They tell you these things from the time bullying becomes a problem, but you never really understand what everyone is going through until they tell you. You have many, many battles, with yourself and with others. Some might go terribly wrong, while you might overcome some. You might help others. But even if you lose one battle, it doesn't mean you've lost them all in the war. Keep going.
3. You are not alone in this.
I've had anxiety for longer than I actually think I realized it. But because I talk really fast and for some reason, I love chaos, I never realized it until senior year. So when I never chose to talk about it because I thought something was off about me, I never said anything. That was until I sat next to 19 other girls and most of them said things that hit home with me. That's when you really bond, when you realize that you either have been or are in the same place as other people. So get better together, because you are not by yourself.
4. There's a difference between being alone and being lonely.
I can sit in my room for hours by myself and be completely content, but I can sit in a room of 30 people and feel so out of place. That, to me, is being alone and being lonely. Being alone isn't bad, but being lonely can be awful. It's when no one understands, or no one really realizes that you feel awkward that the feeling of being lonely really hurts. Because I understand it, I now notice when people feel lonely. Whether I'm at a huge party or just in a small group, I make sure that those people know I want them to be there, I enjoy seeing them, and I want them to feel comfortable. Sometimes it doesn't help, but sometimes it does.
5. Things don't get easier, but you can learn how to handle it.
We had many teachers come and give witness talks, and their struggles are often crazier than ours. But don't undermine your hard times in respect to others. Because they have been through more, adults also seem to remember to find joy in the little things, just as little kids do. It's also amazing to see people who had been through things like you, and to see where they are now. You see that it is possible to get past it.
6. How to manage time and stress.
It starts raining and the two hour activity you had planned outside now has to be inside. A part of your talk might hit home too much with some girls, or you might not be able to keep it together during your talk, so you have to change things. There are so many things that could go wrong, at any point, but by being a retreat leader I learned I had to be flexible. I learned that when someone else is stressing out, you have to put your worries aside and help them. I learned, from retreats and from other people, how to make people laugh when they don't feel like laughing again, and how to help others when their anxiety gets very bad.
7. Get to know those you're around.
Some of the girls I led with I had never had classes with before, but I very quickly learned their strengths and weaknesses. I saw what they were good at, and where they could do their best at. I learned how to help them and just how well they work with others. I could tell why they were a retreat leader. I didn't start out close with these girls, but I got closer to them and only got closer. I know if I ever needed anything, any girl I ever led with would be there for me. Any girl who was ever on a retreat that I led would be there, because that is what a retreat teaches you, to be there for yourself and for others.
There are so many things being a retreat leader taught me, and I will never be able to account for all of those lessons. But if I had the choice to do it all over again, I would. I loved all of it, and I will always use those lessons to help.
