I don't remember a time when my parents were together, besides that one time. But that doesn’t matter. They had me when they were young. I was not planned. I jokingly call myself a “mistake” all the time, and no matter how much of a joke I make it I see it now. It is the truth. They were 17 and 19 years old. I certainly was not planned. However, they did last for four years after my birth. I don’t know how long they were happy for, but those four years left me with some pictures that I adore. That is my family. My biological, 100% family. My father, mother, and me. However, my family has grown so much bigger since then.

After they split up, they each entered new relationships. With those relationships came new parents, new siblings, new cousins, new grandparents, new aunts and uncles, etc. My family grew tenfold. Now those relationships didn’t last either and once again I was left with new parents, new siblings, etc. Even though those relationships did not last, the relationships I made with the people who entered my life because of that did, or at least most of them did. I love those people just like I love my 100% family.

I get this question a lot: “What are those people to you now?” The answer is family. The people that didn’t remain in relationships with my parents are in a sense still family, even though, in my case, my relationships with them are very strained, to the point that you could say I don’t really like them. However, the siblings that came with those relationships are very much still my brothers and sisters. I don’t think of them as my step, half, or adopted siblings. To me they are just as much my brothers and sisters as if my parents had them together. The same goes for the other relatives that have come and gone. Just because we may or may not share DNA does not mean that we are not family. So when I say that I have 10 siblings, soon to be 11, don’t ask “well how many are your real siblings,” because they all are! And the same goes for the other family that I have gained.

Besides the issue of who is family and who is not, I have learned so much more from growing up in a split family. I have had to overcome the struggles of parents who are not together. Thankfully, they were always good about not putting me in the middle of their arguments and tried to make decisions together. However, I also have seen the other side of that. As I said, the relationships they had with other people brought along new siblings, and watching my siblings have to deal with being put in the middle of their parents all of the time was hard. I always wanted to help them but as a kid myself there was only so much that I could do.

Beyond that, I had the typical resentment towards my step parents and siblings. They took attention away from my parents that I wished were devoted to me sometimes. I had to learn how to deal with sharing my parents, even if I only got to see each of them for limited amounts of time. I also had to learn to juggle looking all over the auditorium for school events because my families never sat together. They were always dispersed. These things have made me realize the type of family that I want to have as an adult, the type of parent I want to be, and the life that I hope to give to my kids.

I hope that one day, maybe for my wedding, my family can sit together, that there will be no bickering, that I can take a photo with my mom and dad together, etc. I hope that my kids don’t have to experience a split family, because even though I learned valuable lessons from the experience, I would never want my kids to have to deal with the pain that comes with it so often.

I have also learned that having many houses and only one home is an important part of who I am. Personally, my father had custody of me. That means I lived with him the majority of the time. Where he lives has always been home. Where my mom lives has always been “her house,” even if I had my own room, etc. I am most at peace, most comfortable, etc with my dad. That does not mean that I love my mom less. It does not mean anything negative. It is just what it is. I love them both, equally.

For those of you experiencing split families yourselves, try and remember that it will make you a better person. You will learn what to do and what not to do. The pain sucks and sometimes the pain is all that you feel, but that will subside and you will have good days too, maybe even good years. Remember that your “step families,” aren’t out to take your parent from you, that they want to get to know you too, and that some of them may even love you. I have a lot of bad memories but I have a lot of good ones too. You will develop those as well, but try and dwell on the good ones and not the bad ones.