Life is so uncertain. It leaves us confused, scared, overwhelmed, and perpetually on-edge. Each year brings new, unprecedented challenges that cut us open and show us what we are truly made of. Living is a constant panic, and this terror has dominated my life since middle school.
That is, until I decided to start living by faith on January 1, 2018.
Let me back up a bit. I remember filling out several of those stupid career guidance quizzes and researching median income levels for professional-sounding jobs as early as middle school. Back then, I only had a tiny imagination of what the "real world" would be like. It all seemed so simple back then: oh, I'll just get a degree in engineering and I'll make $70,000 a year and pay off my student loans within months and settle down and start a perfect nuclear family with the prince charming of my dreams. Easy!
But then, I realized that life is incredibly, horribly difficult and that nothing comes easy. The strategy that had once seemed so simple (just shoot for the high-paying degrees and you'll be fine!) gradually began to eat away at my self-image and hope when I discovered that I wasn't strong in mathematics, science, business, or technology — some of the highest-paying career fields in today's world.
I became convinced that I was making all the wrong decisions and that I would never earn enough money to support myself or even move out of my parents' house. I hated myself for not working hard enough. I thought it was my fault. I told myself that I wasn't strong in those desired skill areas because I didn't try hard enough to learn the material in class. I lived my life believing a lie: that money, personal success through employment, and socioeconomic status would bring me happiness and self-worth.
Perhaps what saddens me most is that I never stopped to realize that the areas I actually was strong in — communication, writing, editing, and reading — would one day help guide me into summer jobs and opportunities that were perfect for me (case in point: Odyssey). I never stopped to realize that God had given me certain gifts which may not be recognized as valuable (by some people). I never stopped to realize that I needed to move past those people and praise my Savior instead.
Looking back on my journey from age 13 to junior year of college, I wish I could go back and tell myself to trust in God. Trust the process, because He's refining me in the same way that you perfect diamonds and gold and silver.
I decided to officially start living by faith on January 1, 2018. I know, it sounds so stereotypical and unoriginal to start something on the first day of the new year. But honestly, with everything ahead of me and so much joy propelling me into a new semester and countless new opportunities, I realized that this is the year that God is truly going to change me.
This year, I am committing to live a life free of fear. I'm promising to trust God in all situations. I'm going to dive right in to the deep end without my life jacket and trust that if I give my all, God will give His all, too.
Has He failed me yet? No, and I firmly believe that He will not fail me this year. Don't get me wrong — I'm still uncertain about where I'm going to work this summer and after graduation, and I still cry tears of stress and worry about once a week. But ever since I confessed to God that I don't want to live by fear anymore, I've felt nothing but reassurance and trust.
I've felt optimistic, and it's a wonderful thing to experience. We serve a wonderful God.
