As an ambivert, I can have both introverted and extroverted tendencies although I usually lean more towards introversion than extraversion. My girlfriend, Brie, is also a lot more introverted than extroverted.
They say that opposites attract but in our case, it was our ability to relate to each other that brought us together. However, introverts are often misunderstood, especially by extroverts. In an attempt to save those relationships where opposites do attract, I’ve decided to share what it’s like to date an introvert.
One of the most distinctive qualities of an introvert is that they need and thrive on alone time. This is one of the most common reasons why introverts are misunderstood. Most people think that being an introvert is all about being shy and awkward. Oftentimes, these traits do apply to introverts but it is less about being shy and more about getting drained from socialization.
It takes a lot more effort for an introvert to be social. It doesn’t come as naturally to them as it does for extroverts and some ambiverts. This is one of the biggest learning curves for extroverts. Even if you’re the love of their life, I guarantee there will come a time that your introverted girlfriend or boyfriend will ask for some alone time.
Trust me, this is never anything personal and it most definitely doesn’t mean that they want to break up or even want to take a break from the relationship. They would be just as likely to ask for this time away from their best friend or even a family member.
They just need some time to recharge. If they don’t get this time, they may start to act out. Just like how everyone needs 6-8 hours of sleep per night to function properly, all introverts need their share of alone time to avoid getting cranky. Also, a few hours or days apart will just make you appreciate the time that you do get to spend together even more. It’ll be good for both of you, even if only one of you really needs it.
Sometimes instead of spending time apart, your introverted girlfriend or boyfriend may want to spend time with you doing something uneventful. This could be anything from doing work or errands with you to taking a nap together or even cooking a meal together. Introverts don’t need to be doing anything expensive or out of the ordinary to enjoy spending time with you. It’s the fact that you’re there that matters.
Some of my favorite dates that I have had with my girlfriend have been ones where we just ran errands together or stayed in for the day. We’ve spent this mutual downtime doing things like playing Scattergories, snuggling up and watching Netflix, watching funny youtube videos, painting, going on walks around the neighborhood, or cooking dinner together.
When you’re in a less distracting environment, your introverted girlfriend or boyfriend will be a lot more relaxed and you may even learn new things about them because of this.
Overwhelming environments with lots of people or lots of things to do fuel overthinking. They prefer small get-togethers with just a few people who they are close with rather than big crazy parties full of intoxicated strangers. They prefer listening to loud music with you in the car rather than getting claustrophobic at an overcrowded concert. If you can avoid going on too many dates in busy public places like this, you’ll be sure to keep your introverted S.O. happy and comfortable.
Sometimes you’ll find that your introverted girlfriend or boyfriend will prefer using body language over talking. There have been days where my girlfriend and I have spent a full hour just holding hands and cuddling without using any words. This isn’t something that the two of you will feel comfortable doing early in a relationship though.
It takes time to understand someone well enough to be able to experience comfortable silence with them. Most introverts are very shy when you’re first getting to know them. Getting comfortable around each other may take a lot longer than it might typically take for a more extroverted couple.
Earlier in the relationship, you’ll probably find that you’re texting a LOT. This is because most introverts, including myself, feel a lot more comfortable writing than talking out loud. This is mostly due to an introvert’s common habit of chronic overthinking. When you’re texting, you can read over your message and edit it as many times as you want before you send it. On the other hand, when you’re talking out loud, once you have spoken there’s no way to change the past and revise what you’ve said. This is a stressful thought for an introvert.
It’s also the main reason why most introverts don’t really like phone calls, especially unexpected ones. Introverts also tend to be perfectionists which makes it even more aggravating for them when they stumble over their words or regret something they say. It’s all a big cycle.
They overthink what they’re about to say, they get pressured to say it before they’re ready, they regret the way that they said it and may even offend someone, and then they just end up overthinking even more next time as a result.
Once you finally do get close to your introvert, you may get a glimpse of their more silly and extroverted seeming side. This does not mean that they are an extrovert in disguise. Remember, introversion is more about getting overwhelmed and tired out from socializing than it is about their personal confidence level.
Finally feeling comfortable enough to be your true self around your significant other is always an exciting moment though and it is a huge relationship milestone. It means that you are happy enough to be a little less concerned with overthinking and self-criticism and more concerned with enjoying being with your boyfriend or girlfriend.
Their hyperawareness also tends to make introverts very observant and sentimental. They notice details and differences much earlier than less detail-oriented extroverts. This leads to many introverts giving objects and memories much more significance. This isn’t to say that extroverts can’t be sentimental, I’ve just met a lot of sentimental introverts and only a handful of sentimental extroverts.
Being sentimental also makes it easier to keep up with inside jokes! My girlfriend is a very sentimental person so I can’t help but associate sentimentality with introverted relationships. Attaching significance to objects and events also enhances their memory of them. Having an enhanced sense of memory in combination with their observantness means that they’ll be much more likely to remember your favorite things.
I know that my girlfriend loves to surprise me with my favorite things in sweet little ways.
She’s bought me my favorite candy, my favorite flower, my favorite flavor of chapstick, and other sweet little things that show that she really does listen to me. That’s another thing about introverts, they’re amazing listeners and spectacular perspective takers. They are very understanding and accepting.
Hyperawareness makes a person a bit more sensitive, much more in touch with their own emotions, and very observant of everyone else’s. This also means that they’ll notice if you can’t make eye contact when you lie, bite your lip when you’re upset, or smile bigger when you’re embarrassed.
They’re excellent at noticing tells and they’ll never forget things like where you’re most ticklish.
Introverts care a lot, sometimes they care a bit too much. There might be days where you feel like they’re acting more like a parent than your girlfriend or boyfriend. This is just because they care about your safety and happiness. They aren’t trying to baby you or put themselves above you.
They just want to protect you from the bad parts of life but sometimes they are inevitable. Just remember to appreciate that they care and never let their love for you get on your nerves.
It’s also a good idea to get to know your introverted significant other’s best friends. It is more difficult for introverts to be comfortable spending a lot of time with others so they usually only have a select few people who they are truly comfortable letting their guard down around. If you think that this relationship will be long term, you’ll probably wind up spending a lot of time around their closest friends too and it’s never too early to get to know them a bit better as well.
Communication is key in any relationship but especially in a relationship involving one or more introverts. If something is bothering you, tell them sooner rather than later. If they find out you were hiding something from them for a long time, they will get much more anxious and hurt than they would have if you had just told them right away.
Additionally, if something that they are doing is making you especially happy, you should tell them about that too! It’ll be sure to put a smile on their face to know that they’re doing something right. Words of reassurance are like candy or a nice relaxing bubble bath for introverts, they put them at ease.
They also love small acts of kindness and would love to know that you were thinking about them. My girlfriend and I trade memory books back and forth that is filled with letters we have given each other, photos we have taken together, receipts from dates and other outings, and other little pieces of memorabilia that we have given significance. Any introvert would absolutely love to receive a gift like that.
Introverts also love thinking about the future and are serious about commitments. Most introverts would rather be in a serious longterm relationship than endure multiple filings. They aren’t afraid to bring up the prospect of eventually living together, getting pets together, or possibly even having kids together one day. They spend a lot of time in their heads and enjoy thinking about the different possibilities for their own lives and for your lives together as a couple.
If you aren’t ready to think about things more seriously, make sure you let your girlfriend or boyfriend know earlier rather than later. They would hate to make you uncomfortable, they just love to fantasize and predict possible outcomes for the future.
This is one of the reasons why a lot of introverts, including my girlfriend, really enjoy doing mindless tasks such as cleaning or baking so that they can fill their minds with whatever sort of thoughts they please.
So go out there, scratch that, stay inside and give your introverted girlfriend or boyfriend some extra love today.
