My mind was destroyed at the age of 17. I was told what to wear, who I could hang out with, and how to act as an individual. At such a young age, it was easy to accept that toxicrelationship because I didn't know any better. For a very long time, I lost a piece of myself that I thought I could never gain back.

My confidence.

Years later, I decided to move into a new city on my own. Because of it, I eventually molded into someone that I never dreamed of becoming.

Yet, I still cannot bear the thought of the amount of pain that I once experienced not too long ago.

Thankfully, I have moved on from that hell hole place that I once called home—but as a person, there are many reasons as to why I am still stuck behind that brick wall.

I can't say that I've been through as much as the person next to me has, but I can say that I've been through enough. I have been diminished as a person, stabbed in the back, lied to my face, and even told I wasn't good enough.

It's funny because I actually used to think this was true.

I think the reason why I have an act for pushing people away is because I myself was pushed away. I am a victim of mental abuse, I have severe trust issues and the damage that has been done to my heart is more than one person should ever have to experience in a single lifetime.

I push because I don't want to go through what I went through before. I push because I don't want to be brought back to that dark, cold place where my mind crept for several years. I push because this is the way that I protect myself from people like him.

I like where I am now and I want it to stay that way.

The sad part about all of this is that I know I can't stay here forever. Eventually, I am going to have to put my past behind me and knock down a layer of that wall that is holding me back from pursuing others.

But the question is, how? How do you forget the way you were once mistreated? How do you pick up the pieces of a shattered mind and put it back together? How do you know that the next person won't be like the first?

You don't.

It is truly an imperfection to have that wall up, but it is also a part of yourself that takes a certain something or someone to change. The guard that is up is nothing more than fear—a fear that captures you as a prisoner to your own resentment.

I can't help the person that I am, but I also can't blame anyone else but myself for allowing me to go through what I did for as long as I did.

If I have learned anything from this, it's the fact that it is okay to keep your guard up. It is okay to not fall into the lap of someone else right away. And it is certainly okay to be the girl who doesn't need anyone.

My experience was a curse, but also a blessing in disguise. Being brutalized made me stronger because I had to be.

I am now a better person because of it and I don't take sh*t from people who I know are not worth my time. I learned not only what the word independent means, but I have finally become it.

It's okay to hide behind that brick wall, but don't stay there forever.