When I was twelve my father committed suicide. I was young but old enough to understand what was happening. My younger brother was nine, I'm not sure if he knew exactly what was going on but I know it must've been a very confusing time for him. That first year didn't even feel like a year. I look back and it was a mush of days. Since that day I have looked for a person to understand what I have went through and am still going through. However, everyone's experience is different but it would be nice to have someone who went through the same thing because we'd share similarities in stories. There are so many emotions and stages we seem to go through. People who have lost a parent do share these but some are special for just us who have endured a suicide. We are the strong ones now. When you tell your story people will stop are stare but then they'll say "you are so strong" and look at you in awe, because how could you move on from something so tragic? Yes it's sad and terrible but it made me who I am today. I went through hell and back. No one understands what that experience is like.
If you're experiencing this type of loss, I'm sorry. There aren't words to express how sorry I am even after going through this myself but you have this. You have your family and your friends in this time. Your friends will be your rocks, they are there for you. They may not know what to say during this time but they are still there for you. The things you are feeling are okay to feel and there's so much to feel. There's multiple things you're going to go through, don't feel like you can only go through one feeling at a time. Sometimes you're going to feel things all at once and it'll be overwhelming but you'll get through it. You're a warrior now.
There's multiple things you'll go through but some are particularly just for us:
You feel as if you were abandoned: You never got to say goodbye, they just left you here. No warning or anything. Sometimes it feels like you weren't enough for them to stay here. It literally feels like your heart was ripped from your chest because they just left. One day you were sitting in the living room with your dad and the next day he's gone.
There's so many questions: When did this start? Why didn't you tell anyone? Did you think about me? What do I do when I get married? Have my first child? Graduate? Did you even think about what everyone would do?Holiday's are never the same: Every year it seems to get more weird. Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, Birthday's there is the constant feeling that something is missing. That feeling doesn't seem to go away. That loud roaring laugh which shook the walls causing everyone to laugh along, it's gone. The famous recipe that mom would use to bake the turkey, it doesn't taste the same. Dad always brought monopoly to play no matter what holiday it was and now aunt Jenny brings it every year, it's not the same.
Some days are harder than others: It'll be five years later and one day you just break down because it feels like it was just yesterday when your world was turned upside down. The anniversary date is forever engraved in your head, it's the most dreaded day of the year for you and most people go on with their day like nothing happened. Some days you just miss them. You want to be able to dial their number you still have memorized and hear their voice on the other side of the phone.
The pictures seem so long ago: Over the years you start to forget what they were like.. The little things such as what color their eyes were, the ring in their laugh, how their hugs felt. It's earth shattering not being able to remember those things that you loved so much. You can't get those things from a picture. When did we grow up? How did we move on? How did we keep living? They're just.. gone. One morning you woke up like it was any other day with the security that they're still here then the next they're gone.
You're more aware of your mind:Depression hits. It will happen and when you get depressed you try to help yourself. You know what it's like to lose someone to this, to suicide. You take it seriously and always wanting to help others who are suffering. Your story helps people see how the other side is.
Those big moments don't feel right: During the big days, the ones that we are told we'll always remember, things don't seem right... You're constantly looking for a face in the crowd. The end of the day comes and you realize what it is. They aren't here. You knew your dad wasn't here because well your uncle walked you down the aisle and gave you away. He usually gave you advice on how not to screw stuff up and today, on the day your wife goes into labor, you could really use his old hassle. You knew your mom wasn't here because she always did your hair for big days like your first communion or for your school dances. But, it just hit you. How did you get through the day without them? How do we do it?
It's kind of like a dirty little secret: Meeting new people it's not just something that comes up in conversation. If you aren't close to people they don't know and they won't ask. They might know that you lost a parent but they won't know what happened. When you tell someone they look at you like you're fragile and they don't know what to say. Going over what happened, the entire story, opening up that jar all over again. It sucks and it's going to happen a lot. Your people need to know though so they can try to help you as much as they can on your off days.
Some days are harder than most but knowing they're in a good place and not hurting anymore is a form of comfort. My heart breaks thinking about how much pain and hurt they were feeling but know this; you couldn't of helped them. Death is a weird and complex concept and suicide is an even more complex, confusing and most times upsetting concept. How could they of just decided to end their life? Did they even think of me? Then there's the never ending question of why? Why did they do it? You can't answer that.
There will be days when you can't stop thinking about them or how you wish you could call them up on the phone to tell them about your day. Life goes on though. You gotta keep going and do the things you know they would want you to do. Make their time watching over you worth the while. Give them something to brag about to their buddies up in heaven.
