Ever since I've started writing for the Odyssey, I have always considered elaborating on my battle with obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD). I feel like the topic can be a bit too personal, or controversial so I was very reluctant to touch on something so deep, especially when the majority of my articles have a lighthearted nature. However, I have reached a point in my life where I finally want to address my issues in an effort to teach people more about the disorder and potentially provide other sufferers with any sort of assistance. I've been feeling "alone" for far too long and I want to be there for others who may be feeling similarly.

To start, OCD is an anxiety-related disorder that has to do with unwanted thoughts and repeated actions known as "compulsions." I've been dealing with OCD for as long as I can remember. There have been times when it was manageable and I've "swept it under the rug." And there have been times when it has been so bad that I've wallowed away in a bottomless pit of anxiety. Naturally, I remember some of my compulsions starting at a young age. I've always really liked the number "4" and in a way, I began to obsess over it. It was my "favorite number" so I oddly held it near and dear to me. I sought comfort in that number and thought that if I would do things associated with it, it would be beneficial to me. I also started to develop a repulsion to odd numbers; thinking that they would bring me bad luck. I slowly found myself setting most of my alarm times to end with the number 4 (for instance "7:24am") and whenever I microwave something the number would have to end in 4 (ex: 1 minute and 44 seconds). These little quirks over time grew into full-on compulsions. It was as if something really bad would happen to me or someone I loved if the number didn't end in 4. These thoughts were frightening and would gust up a lot of anxious feelings. In order to "calm" these thoughts, essentially, I would carry out the compulsions and in a way feel like I "saved the day" from anything bad happening. Comparatively, a major compulsion I struggle with is the volume number in a car. If the radio station or music that is being played isn't on an even volume number, I genuinely start to feel as if something bad is going to happen. This compulsion got worse after my car accident in junior year of high school. I started to feel that if the radio was on an odd number, then I would get into a car accident and I would die. It was a gut-wrenching feeling so I always had to make sure that the volume was on an even number. I would often second-guess myself and would have to repeatedly check to make sure that I didn't forget to put the volume to an "appropriate" number.

One bizarre compulsion I found myself dealing with in high school was taking screenshots of my lock screen on my phone. It began as an accident, but I started to become obsessed with it. I would screenshot the lock screen when it would be "4:44" or times ending in "4," however, the problem grew worse and I started to screenshot the lock screen almost every time I locked at it. It was as if I told myself that something bad would happen if I didn't screenshot it, so I forced myself to. It got to the point where I would find myself deleting hundreds of lock screen photos from my camera roll per week. It was positively absurd. Eventually, I was able to somehow train my brain to not do it. It was as if I got "bored" or tired of that compulsion, and I was able to relax myself and train myself to stop. Occasionally, the desire to do it returns, however, I've had other compulsions to keep me occupied in the meantime.

Other compulsions I have faced throughout the years stem from other fears. A lot of it occurs in the bathroom. Every time I step into my bathroom, I feel the need to check behind the shower curtain. Whether or not I'm in the bathroom for a mere second, I always find myself checking. It's as if I need to make sure that no one is hiding behind the curtain waiting to attack/kill me. It's a weird feeling I get, and I feel like something scary will happen to me if I don't check. It's gotten so bad that even if I was in the bathroom a few minutes before, I'd still check. It's something I deal with every time I step foot in my bathroom. Another strange bathroom compulsion is when I'm in the shower. I always feel the need to pop my head out to make sure that there's no one there. This compulsion occurs more frequently when I'm showering home alone. I get this heart-throbbing feeling that someone with a knife is waiting to attack me and I find myself constantly checking to make sure no one is there. Sometimes I'll see a shadow that the window is casting into the hallway, and I'll have a full-on freak out. Whatever it is, the paranoia eats me alive. Sometimes it gets so bad that I even find myself scrounging for a "weapon" in the shower that I can use to attack the "intruder" with if the situation presented itself.

Needless to say, my compulsions have been driving me up a wall for as long as I can remember...and my daily battle with this confidence-destroying disorder has only gotten worse. It's unfortunate that we live in a world where people don't know much about the monstrosities this disorder actually causes. People are quick to associate OCD with a need for "cleanliness" or "order." While, yes, some people with the disorder feel the need to have everything in a specific spot (I can attest to this as well), that is not true for everyone and that is not what defines this disorder. If it was truly a disorder associated with a "need for cleanliness" I would not be complaining. That's why it strongly irks me when I hear people complaining, "OMG that thing is crooked, it's giving me anxiety! It's bothering my OCD!" Really? So do you have a burning, sinking feeling in your chest? Are you having trouble breathing? Are there intrusive thoughts flooding your brain, telling you that the crookedness of that thing is going to bring upon something bad? I mean, I really don't know. I'm not in your brain. But I highly doubt it.

For me, the worst part of OCD are the intrusive thoughts. For a lack of better words, intrusive thoughts are frightening, unwanted thoughts about what might happen to you or a loved one, or what you might do to yourself or a loved one. Intrusive thoughts are ego-dystonic, meaning that they're the opposite of who you truly are. In a simpler way, it's as if your brain is taking your biggest fear in life and it's taunting you with it every waking moment - creating scary, irrational thoughts that won't leave your head. For people without OCD, having a scary thought isn't a big deal - they're easy to brush off. However, someone with OCD thinks these thoughts hold significant meaning to their lives (although it's untrue). They start to think they're bad people and they fear that they'll become their thoughts or act on them. OCD doesn't allow you to forget about these thoughts. You begin to obsess over them. They never leave your head no matter how hard you try. In fact, if you try to push them away, they only come back stronger and more vivid. In return, this causes debilitating anxiety. It's almost as if the fear of "uncertainty" comes into play and it's something that slowly starts to eat away at you.

I've struggled with intrusive thoughts on and off for a few years now, but now that I'm currently in a state of high anxiety and depression unlike ever before, my intrusive thoughts have intensified and my brain refuses to let go of them. I feel trapped, it's as if my brain is imprisoned. These thoughts aren't who I am, but it freaks me out that my brain thinks of them. I feel like my brain is constantly playing tricks on me and this produces more compulsions. I've been finding myself in constant need of reassurance that I'm not "going crazy" or that I'm not a "psychopath." I need constant reiteration of the fact that I'm still the same person that I always was and that my personality wouldn't just change like that over night. Deep down inside, I know that I'm still the same me, and that these thoughts are absolutely ludicrous. But, when your head is clouded with them it's hard to acknowledge that. You generally start to feel like you're going insane. Ever since the onset of these intrusive thoughts, my anxiety has left me almost immobilized. I find myself not interested in my usual activities anymore. Hanging with friends is fun, but the thoughts are still in the back of my head. I find eating to be super hard and I've been losing weight faster than ever before because I'm always too nauseous to eat anything. I've even developed a cough that seems to never go away, and it only gets worse when I'm going through instances of high anxiety. In class, I find myself zoning out a lot, which allows the thoughts to intensify. I've been experiencing intense panic attacks because of this and it's hard to calm myself down. I generally feel so helpless at times, and regardless of how many times I'm reassured that I'm "not going crazy" - the OCD tries to tell you otherwise. It's like a constant battle in my head. I tell myself "You're still the same person you've always been!" Then the OCD chimes in, "Wrong!" I'm constantly over-thinking every little thing and it's absolutely draining. Interestingly enough, I find myself sleeping a lot better; it's as if I exhaust myself completely that when it's time for me to go to sleep, I just pass out.

I wish I could say that I have found a way to resolve whatever I've been going through, but I haven't yet. I'm working on seeking professional help. I know that cognitive behavioral therapy can help me learn efficient ways to conquer this disorder. Additionally, I've been trying to meditate a lot more and breathe during times of high anxiety. I've been talking to my family and friends about it; something that I find extremely helpful. In a way, getting it off my chest provides me with a sense of temporary relief. It makes me feel more sane. Other than that, I've been taking it one day at a time. I know I'm not going to get better over night, but I'm trying to remain hopeful. This is definitely the hardest thing I have ever had to face in my entire life and I'm finally at wit's end. It's time for me to get the help I need because I know that it's the stupid OCD that's making me feel this way, and that I'm still the same, compassionate, caring person that I've always been.

This article was mind-numbingly difficult to write. I'm still a bit reluctant about posting it, but in a way it's a bit cathartic. I'm in no way shape or form seeking sympathy. I don't want people to feel bad. However, I don't want people to look at me differently either, because that's not helpful. Writing is an outlet that helps soothe my mind and directs my attention elsewhere. I really hope that someone who are going through a similar problem will read this and find solace. I hope that someone else who is struggling with Pure-O, will read this and not feel alone. If you're reading this and are experiencing anything similar, please feel free to talk to me! It is definitely an amazing feeling to know that you're not alone.

My dream for the future is to be able to wake up without nauseating anxiety and intense intrusive thoughts. I would love to wake up and see my OCD as a thing of the past. I would love to wake up and feel like "myself" again and I know that if I continue to strive forward and seek the professional help I need, I can definitely get there.