There are many resilient people walking this earth, living day to day in a battle with a mental illness they never had the choice of having. I know that these individuals are some of the strongest people that have ever walked into my life. Interesting thing is though, its very rare for me to find people around me that don't experience some type of mental illness. So if you're one of the amazing resilient people that haven't experienced a mental illness here is what its like.
Everyday for most of us, is a struggle, I know that whether its an eating disorder, depression, anxiety, obsessive compulsive disorder, etc. its a daily, even minute by minute struggle. I have grown up with undiagnosed, to diagnosed, and still searching for the right "label" of whatever is coursing through my brain. Many times this is what its like for people, many mental illnesses can't be defined by one clean cut disorder.
I know that there is some days where I can barely move my achy bones from my bed to put my feet on the floor. Its like the first baby step of the day at times, and others its like a giant leap forward. I have woken up contemplating just going back to sleep and calling it a day already. Living with a mental illness is a continuous battle with you against some inner demon that has begun to control the very thing between your ears. I have had days where my anxiety for the day has felt like it has super glued me to my bed. I begin to overflow with a multitude of emotions when I wake up, and they tend to prologue what the day may be for me. This is when I am searching everywhere for the light to guide me to the rest of the steps I'll be taking in the day.
I am someone who has been diagnosed with anorexia nervosa, anxiety, and right now we are leaning toward borderline personality disorder, or simply just depression. I am someone who is open with my illness and other times, plaster my face with the convincing smile that fools so many. I have a minute to minute struggle some days to where I have to find the motivation in the midst of the demons to get out of bed, eat my first meal of the day, and get dressed for my classes or work. Most days my anxiety is screaming in my head, my depression attached to each disorder building it stronger than the person looking back at me in the mirror. Its scary, but its real, and this is why people need to know that although they may deal with the same thing, its different for each person. Just like the flu, we tend to have our own strains of the disorder.
I'm sure I'm not the only one who sits and wonders if they are truly alone in their fight against something no one else can see or feel. I always wondered if this was normal or if its something that a lot of people deal with. Over the years I have found out that I am certainly not alone in my struggles, sure everyones experiences are different. Knowing we aren't alone is one of the safest feelings we can feel, of course we understand everyone is different in their own, but its a comforting feeling, in this crazy world.
With mental illness, like any other illnesses people are at times prescribed medication to alleviate some of their symptoms. Similar to something like pneumonia, it is necessary that the illness is monitored in the hopes that the person is relieved of most of their symptoms, and the rest is up to them and the work they put in to keep themselves healthy. Medication like Zoloft, Abilify, and Lamictal, are a few different drugs that can help and they range from antidepressants, antipsychotics, and anticonvulsants. They are all used to improve mood, all of which I have used within my lifetime. Many of us who use medication have a stigma that we carry around from others. I guess people have a hard time comprehending that just like any other illness medication for a mental illness is different. Just remember that if you ever find yourself judging someone for using necessary medication, that its like someone judging you for taking tylenol for a headache.
Living with a mental illness is one of the hardest things I have ever done, and continue to do. I have been in and out of multiple different psychiatric units, hospitals, you name it, I've been there, or at least it feels like it anyways. I won't ever be able to explain what its like to feel numb, barely able to breathe and just staring at the ceiling in my room. I know that many people have similar experiences, and maybe even you do. I know a lot of us, hide our illnesses behind a persona that is unrealistic even for someone who hasn't been influenced by some demon in their head. Imagine how different the world would be if we all wore our internal scars on our skin, told the truth about who we were to people we have just met, and removed our own internal stigma against ourselves.
For those of you struggling now, or who end up finding yourself sometime in the future struggling with a mental illness, from personal experience, I want you to know it gets better. I have been in a place before where I hated hearing that but it really is the truth, and tell yourself that everyday until your mind finally allows you to believe it. I promise you'll thank yourself one day when you're looking at little pieces of yourself running around your house, knowing that you were strong enough to be their parent. One day all this struggle will be worth it, and the people that judged you now, will likely eventually understand one way or another and you'll be standing stronger than you ever thought you could.
Remember that living with an illness, isn't a means to an end, you are here for a reason. You may be hanging on to a single thread right now, but gym class made us climb a rope, you know how to do this, be gentle with yourself, and keep climbing.
Our demons will never have the power to control us, but we have the power to control them, and its a battle that is worth being picked.
Chin up you lovely people, one day you'll see the sun because you picked it up.
