Nobody likes a broken heart.

But everyone handles heartbreak differently based on the person.

When you have anxiety and depression, the recovery can be quite different.

I'm a late bloomer. I didn't have my first boyfriend until I was 19 years old when I was a freshman in my first college in Manchester, New Hampshire. Needless to say, I didn't have a lot of experience or maturity for a relationship. I've always been awkward and the girl friend guys trusted and saw as a sister. I can't complain about that, I have lots of guy friends and try to stay on good terms with ex boyfriends.

I'm not easy to be with. I'm insecure, don't give myself enough credit, put other people before me, and I have some mental illnesses. As mentioned before, I have generalized anxiety disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, and have periods of depression. I'm not ashamed of my conditions, but it does complicate things.

Whenever I argue with someone, even over the pettiest thing, my anxiety goes from zero to sixty before I can blink. I overthink it, worry I'm going to lose that person, and the anxiety causes me to become more emotional than intended. Anxiety causes you to question everything about yourself and the situation, your brain never gets off the hamster wheel. "They hate you." "They'll never let you forget this." "This will haunt you at night." Anxiety has a way of making sure you never forget the bad things.

I recently ended a relationship and it was not easy for me to end. I won't go into details, I like keeping my romantic relationships private and out of the public. But this breakup was messy, it didn't end on good terms. I tried to ignore the pain by burying myself in final projects and papers, but once in awhile in those busy sessions, it would hit me. I would cry and miss him. I couldn't listen to heartbreak songs without falling apart. I still had his gifts and couldn't find the strength to throw them away (I still have them). I hated how much I hurt him, I hated how much he hurt me. All the emotions and thoughts consumed me. As expected with an anxious mind, these painful thoughts never shut off. I wanted to turn my brain off, and just stop thinking.

With depression, you tend to isolate yourself, and the breakup triggered it. Thankfully I had no more classes, just days to finish projects, I never left my dorm room. I isolated myself internally: blame myself, blame him, reminisce good times, blame myself, pick at my flaws. I would normally deal with heart ache by listening to breakup songs, let it out, heal, move on. This wasn't so easy, as even hearing the songs in my head, hearing his name, would be enough for me to tear up.

Like most breakups, I become careless about my appearance, eating because I'm stressed, eating because I'm bored, eating to distract me from feeling. When I struggle with depression, these habits tend to reappear. Coincidence?

There's pills and medication for my mental health, but there's no pill or medicine in the world that can inexplicably heal a broken heart. I personally believe your heart truly controls how you feel and the rest of your body and mind follow. Only time can cure you.

I'm better now. It'll be a long time before I feel comfortable to date again, but I know no matter what, my mental illnesses will always be a part of me, whether I'm in love or a brokenhearted mess, and the right guy will be able to handle all of me, all of my flaws.