You know… I never thought my life would be like this. You know… still in college, still single, still at home, and still waiting on husband-bae. I thought that by this time I'd be in my career, fully flourishing and all lavish. I saw myself going to my favorite vacation spots in Dubai and London with frequent trips throughout the United States, and I would be dating, or maybe ¼ of a millimeter close to being engaged or married. Now… let’s all laugh together at how silly this was.

Now, that we have out of our system, let’s get back to business… I really thought that life was going to be this way. I thought I would be able to do things my way if I worked hard enough and people saw my dedication. Nah bruh, that’s not how it worked. That is not how ANY of this worked. But, it’s cool. I don’t need the lavish lifestyle right away (I am still working towards that trip to Dubai or London or both), I am willing to work and wait for it. But this… this… single lifestyle… Sigh. It’s just not working for ya girl.

Let me get this straight before anyone tries to come for my life: I am totally happy being single and saved. Yes, I am enjoying my single season. Yes, I know God has a husband in store for me. Oh yes, I do know it will come in due time AND season. And yes, I know I have to be patient.

With all of that being said, let us get to nitty gritty of the situation: Being a 26 years old single Christian virgin has its perks, but can be a pretty tough struggle sometimes. It’s not always sunshine and apples when I get up knowing that I am not attached to anyone. Some days, I just miss “him”, whoever “he” is. I don’t feel like anything is missing, but sometimes I feel I cannot wait for him to be added to my life. But it is also like, how can I miss something that I never had?

I’ve never been on a date. Never been kissed (great movie, btw). Never held hands with a guy. Nothing. I have always been in the “talking” phase. Now, I admit, many of those who I “talked” to were pretty great guys, it’s just that after getting to know them on a more personal level, our personalities didn’t mesh like our physical attraction to one another did. There is nothing wrong with that, it happens. But I am just at a point in my life where I am tired of IT happening. I need and crave for something more.

So, what do I do?

I can hear an echo of one particular word: Wait. I have a like and dislike thing going on with this word, wait. I like it and love it because there is such beauty in waiting on God for someone that is best fit for your life, but I dislike it because of the context that certain people use it in.

Now, I know you are wondering what I mean, especially my Christian girls and guys, but let me explain… When I heard the word, wait, I envisioned patiently sitting and waiting on God to bring my one and only along as I sat there and did nothing. Ha! Sounded easy enough! But that is not what was meant by waiting. For many years, I did just that and nothing happened.

“God, what is going on? I am doing what you said to do! Where is my husband?!?” is something I would frequently say. I would become stressed out, cry, and yell because I was doing all the right things, but no progress. My hope and faith in this area of my life seemed to slowly diminish. What to do now?

I started to read the Bible more about marriage and being content in my single season. I ended up becoming almost obsessed with the story of Isaac and Rebekah. Normally, everyone gravitates towards Ruth and Boaz, but I didn’t want the typical, I wanted something different. Isaac and Rebekah’s story in the Bible is truly unique. Isaac was content with his single season, but it was his father, Abraham, that desired for his son to be with someone. So, Abraham sent out his servant to find his son a wife. The servant, nervous and not having a clue as what to do, asked God for help. When God came through, and Isaac saw Rebekah for the first time, he instantly fell in love. Sweet, right?

But as many times as I read this over and over, and analyzed it, I kept missing one thing: The waiting part. I figured if I kept myself bust like Rebekah and Ruth, THEN, my husband would come. So, I became busy and involved in any and everything. I saw more progression in my own life and more contentment in my single season, but still no husband-bae.

“Where is this dude?!” I used to think quite often. Here I am, busting my butt off working for the Lord, and he still ain’t here! I was angry. Okay, maybe I was beyond angry. I was furious. I was also upset and disappointed. I couldn’t deal with constantly going back and forth with the notion of marriage. I used to joke all the time with my friends in high school that I would become a nun so I wouldn’t have to worry about getting none and be fully content with the Lord, and I thought it was finally coming true. Now, let’s laugh again at my lack of maturity.

But seriously, I was done and over the whole marriage thing. I stopped praying about it, stopped asking God about it, stopped thinking about it, and stopped living with the possibility of it happening. Simply put, I gave up.

Now, what?

Well... giving up gave me the opportunity to really allow myself to be released from the all the stress of dating and marriage. I was allowed to be me and focus on me. Being able to do that felt so good. I was finally done and truly content. I started to really live life and live in it the way God intended. I had no idea what I was missing! Man, there is so much power and growth in being single! I learned so much about God, myself, and others! This was a whole new level that I was missing and I was finally free to enjoy it!

However…

I didn’t know this was going to be a learned lesson for me. It was just last year, when I was all joyful and peaceful about living life with God and only Him, when things changed. Every year, I create a vision board for myself. I pray and ask for guidance on what I should focus on for the following year, make a board with all my goals, and hang it up in a place where I can see it every day. So, as I was constructing my board for 2016, I asked God what He wanted me to put on there because for the first time in three years I was so content, I did not know what else I wanted.

Holy Spirit told me to put down these three things on my board: Apartment, Uplifting Ministry, and Health. I was so excited, I immediately put them down on my board and begin to find scriptures about each topic/goal. Now, on my board, the bottom right corner had yet to be filled and I did not know what I wanted to be there. So I pondered and then I prayed. I said, “God, what do you want me to put in the fourth corner?” All I head was, “courtship”.

Sitting there stunned and on the verge of crying, I said, “Nah… that ain’t nothing but Satan” and began to rebuke the “thought” I thought I had. I asked again and heard the same thing: Courtship. There was no way in THIS world that the very thing I had let go was making a comeback. It can’t be! I stopped making my vision board for almost two weeks. I absolutely refused to put courtship on my board. That is not what I wanted. I cried because I did not want what was built up by God to be ruined by something that ruined me.

But… let me tell you this… nothing ruined me. I let it consume me. I became so involved in being with someone that I had no idea what it was like to just be around me. I became obsessed, angry, and furious with the idea of waiting because I thought waiting was an action to be completed in order to satisfy God, but that wasn’t the case.

This year, I learned that waiting is not only something you do, but it is something that you become. It is not only an action, but a heart condition. There is no way that I could live a lifestyle in waiting and my heart was constantly anxious. I was a double-minded Christian: I had my thoughts in one place and my actions in another (James 1:6-8). My faith and hope never diminished, it was never there; it was not stable. I constantly depended on my action to get me through to the next level, when it was supposed to be my dependence on God to get me to the next level.

I will not say that’s the reason why I never got anywhere because if I were to have met my husband in those time, it would have happened, regardless. But what I will say is that it was the condition of my heart that slowed down the progress. I do not fault myself for something that I did not know I was doing, but now that I know that I was doing it, there is no going back to where I came from. That is true progression.

So, who knows when “he” will come, but I do know that I am in a much better place than where I was at the beginning of this year. My faith and hope are stable, I trust God with all of my heart that my husband will come, and I am remaining aware and diligent for the next move in my single season. I am simply doing what I am supposed to do: Wait.