Currently, I’m laying on my bed, tapping my keyboard, rubbing my eyes, trying to put into words all that needs to be said. I’m coming to the realization that I will never be able to say, all I need to say. No amount of words could ever explain to you how I feel. But it’s worth a shot.

Before I met you I was a little damaged. I had a rough past that you at one point were made aware of. I opened up to you, and you judged me. You took this bit of information and took advantage of my inner demons. Twisted my words and thoughts so much, I began to question who I was, what I stand for as a person.

I was the one who always defended your name when it came up in conversation, which you never heard. You never saw how I would light up when you walked in the door. You don’t know how I never would glance at my phone when I was with you, but you were always checking yours. You never saw the smile that stretched miles across my face when you’d kiss me and leave. I just wanted to sink into your laughter. You made me feel until the pain didn’t matter.

Seeing how I was there for you as soon as you needed it, made me realize something.

The time when I most needed you, you ran away. You left for weeks. Where were you when I needed you there for me? How is it fair that I treat you like a king and I am treated as though I am nothing more than a broken light on the back of a Christmas tree? You could go to Madagascar, Peru, and back, and I would still be waiting here for you. In the same position and state of mind, you left me in.

You’ve made me look stupid time and time again by letting you have the upper hand in my life. By letting you control me as much as you do. You don’t even know how much power you have over me. By letting everyone who ever told me to stay away from the man next door, and me still trying to fight to make you see I’m the one for you. That I’m loyal, honest, and best damn thing that could possibly happen to you. And you demolished me of the once hopeful person I used to be. As I sit here, hoping maybe you’ll walk through the door. Maybe you’ll call or text. Maybe you’ll see that I’m waiting. 20 feet away from where you are yet it feels like a thousand miles.

I gave you the gun that you used to shoot me with, and I watched as you slowly lifted it to your shoulder and pulled the trigger. I came to you in pieces so you could make me whole again. Which you were able to do, you fixed the void I had I had in my life, but now that you’re gone, I’m in need to be made whole all over again. I’m in more pieces than when I found you.

I find myself waking up at strange hours of the night, longing to see you laying next to me, just inches away. Able to run my fingertips down your back, and just feel your presence near me. Being able to feel you wrap your arms around me at 3 am. I have never been desperate to wake up at 3 in the morning. Until you were to the right of me. Then I craved it. Now, waking up at 3 am is haunting. Reminding me of the more amazing times spent together, and the pain I feel when noticing you aren’t next to me anymore.

The sad part is I always wanted to hurt you back. I had so many opportunities to do so, but I never could. I would never wish this kind of hurt on anyone, let alone be the cause of it. After you would leave for weeks at a time, I would always be waiting. Hoping maybe you’d come back and want me. But every time ended the same, with you partying and having the time of your life, and I, getting way too tipsy on a Monday night trying to forget about the pain. Regretting the nasty hangover on a Friday morning, but realizing the hangover was less painful than thinking of you. Only throughout the day, the haunting memories and thoughts of you would come flooding back. Leaving me in the same position as before. Coming to terms with the fact that you’re a hangover I don’t need alcohol for.

Drinking away my problems has become something I’m far too good at. Taking those 6 shots in a row hoping the burning sensation would kill the burning sensation I constantly feel. Hoping that when I wake up, I would have drunk you away from my memory. A whiskey lullaby that never seems to end. Slowly realizing that I can’t drink you away. For you will always find your way back into my bed at the end of the week, and ghosting me once more. Just to repeat the same goddamn schedule.

Being stuck here, trapped in my own mind, trying to comprehend how I could possibly give up on someone I can’t seem to shake. I’m unable to find the ability to just give up on you. I find myself sitting up at the late hours of the night, writing about you. Thinking about all the pain and torture you put me through. Reminiscing all the bad, but bringing up the good, which in my screwed up mind, outweighs the negative. Noticing the water droplets on my keyboard and needing to take a break from thinking about you in any way…

I know I will forever be here for you. Waiting and hoping someday you’ll give me a chance to show you all that you’ve missed out on. For love is not the act of jumping from the highest point on Earth, but more so a leap of faith that ends in two casualties, not just one…

Until then, I am forced to work on myself. I know this time may never come, but in my own f*cked up mind, you’re worth the wait. Even though I know deep down, you aren’t worth anything. Forcing to make it through every day knowing you’re perfectly fine. Forcing myself to wake up, live and conquer my life without you by my side. Trying to solve the riddle as to why God placed you in my life. I will fix the mess you caused, put the pieces back together, and pretend I never knew the boy next door.

I love you, but I love me more.

Sincerely,

The girl you emotionally destroyed, whether you know it or not

Written 12.15.15