Yes? No? Maybe? I don’t know

Before you read my article, I want you to picture something. Imagine you are driving in a car and a cop sounds its sirens for you to pull over. How do you feel? You may experience sweaty palms, racing heart, and find it hard to contain yourself. You look in your rearview mirror as the cop starts to approach your window. You start to have racing thoughts and think “oh no, what’s going to happen?” These feelings are normal for this situation right? Now imagine having these feelings every moment of your day, and that is what it is like living with anxiety.

I am just going to come right out and say it. I suffer from anxiety. You may be reading this and saying “well everyone has anxiety” and that much is true. In fact, about 40 million people suffer from anxiety. But it is the level of anxiety that certain people experience that differentiates everyone. I have to say, I was a little hesitant to write this article, mainly because I didn’t want people to “feel sorry for me” or say I am just “looking for attention” because that is not my intention at all. But instead I am here to tell you what it is like to go through life living with anxiety.

I start out my day like any other normal college student would. I wake up, get dressed, check my social media, text a friend asking if they want to get breakfast, go to class, etc and repeat this on a daily basis. In fact, based on that you would think I was perfectly normal. But it’s what goes on inside of me that makes me different from the rest. It is the little things that happen in my daily routine that cause the anxiety. For example, raising my hand in class. Sounds easy right? Every student does it. But for me, it is more of a process rather than a just do kind of thing. I have to force myself to raise my hand and I often times battle with myself all because I have this insecurity that I will be judged for my answer or that I will just be completely wrong. Remember that scenario above, that is how I feel every time I have to raise my hand.

It’s also other things too that I worry about and am often anxious about. I often times analyze things to the point where they keep me up at night. In my head I am constantly telling myself “yes?”, “no?”, “maybe?” “why?” and “I don’t know?”. For example, I worry about what I say to people even when the conversation was long over, or about what other people say to me even if they were just kidding. It’s the little things that people don’t take as a big deal, but for me, they are. Often times, people ask me why I feel anxious and to tell you the truth, I really don’t have an answer to that. I can’t just stop thinking about it or calm down like people tell me to do because there is no way to stop it. It’s not like there is a switch to prevent it from further happening. And even when I don’t look anxious, it doesn’t mean I am not. It just means I am hiding it on the inside.

Besides the things that I listed above, I think the most difficult part about dealing with anxiety is the panic attacks. For me, panic attacks happen at random times and sometimes I don’t even know why they are occurring. I remember one of my first panic attacks was in high school. I was about to give a presentation in front of my whole class and I just completely shut down. The anxiety just felt like it was suffocating me and there was nothing I could do about it. It was just there and I had to let it run its course. Eventually over the years, I learned and am still learning how to control them, but they are still a part of my life.

If you have gotten this far into my article there are three things I want you to are three things that I want you to take out of this article. First, it would be to know that I am not that much different from you or anyone else in the world. Most of the time, people wouldn’t even know I am anxious because I am still outgoing and I am still able to talk to people pretty easily. In fact, having a small conversation often times distracts me from the other thoughts in my head. Second, please be patient with me or anyone that has anxiety. Personally, I know that I can be extremely hard to deal with especially when the panic attacks kick in. Sometimes, I just want to cry, yell, or throw a book across the room because I am so frustrated. Even sometimes I just want to be alone. To all my friends and everyone else that are reading this, please know that it is nothing personal, it’s just my way of dealing with the stress. And lastly, anxiety is something that cannot be fixed in one sitting. I recently began counseling again to help me deal with my anxiety and I have to say, it has helped tremendously. I know my anxiety will never go away completely, but I am taking steps to diminish it and beginning a path to a healthier life. And to all the other people who suffer from anxiety, please know that you are not alone and we are all here to help and support you.