Can you really be a true American if you haven't played True American? The answer is no, but don't worry, I am here to walk you through it. For those of you who are very confused as to what is going on, True American is a game that was created by the TV series "New Girl."

It's played at least once in every season. It is complicated, fascinating, and, by the end of the night, you will really get to know the people who you play with. Do you think that you can handle it? Here are the rules.

The Setup

If you cannot get this exact setup, I suggest that you move and find a house that accommodates this floor plan. Have a table or stand in the middle of the room. This is the castle (the grey circle in the diagram below). The castle is made up of beer cans and a bottle of liquor. The bottle of liquor is the king of the castle. The beer cans are pawns, otherwise known as the Soldiers of the Secret Order. The pawns are lined up in four lines, which designate the borders of each of the zones (see light colored blue dots in the Castle in the diagram)

Designate four zones (like the red, blue, tan, and yellow below). There is also an alternate "crazy zone." Place five spaces (couch cushions, ottomans, chairs, cats, whatever works) in each zone. These spaces are the pathways that each player can follow. There is one important rule that you need to memorize: the floor is lava.

Any space that is not occupied by one of the 5 spaces in each zone is lava hotter than Schmidt on a warm day. You must use the objects/spaces in order to avoid falling in the lava.

Picking Teams

Teams are optional. If you want to play "every man for himself," be aloof. It doesn't matter to me. In order to pick a team, everyone uses their fingers to hold up a random number on their forehead. You are paired with anyone else who is holding up the same number of fingers as you. If you didn't have a telepathic connection with one of the other players, pair up with the other players who couldn't find a partner. It's almost like online dating.

Starting The Game

This is America. So, of course, this game needs to start with shotgunning a beer (poking a hole in the can and chugging out of the hole). Whoever finishes their beer first gets to go first. After the tip-off, the same player who won the tip-off chants, "One, two, three, four, JFK!" and all of the other players yell, "FDR!" Everyone then needs to run to the center of the table and grab a beer. Next, you need to pick the space (object keeping you from the lava) closest to you to stand on.

Gameplay

Players take turns trying to earn moves. There are three possible actions that can be taken during the turn, so pay attention. Players move in a clockwise rotation. The player whose turn it is always moves one space. To keep things interesting, the other players must "win" their moves. The player whose turn it is picks one of the three categories and the player that guesses correctly must drink and move (you must drink every time that you move). Multiple players can occupy the same space. Players can hold up to three beers at one time. Players may only take a Pawn (beer) from the Castle when they are in one of the four center spaces (spaces touching the castle).

1. Guessing A Common Trait

In this option, the player names two people or objects that have something in common. The other players then yell out what is in common. For example: “Abe Lincoln," "George Washington,” and “Cherry Tree.” Players who guess correctly drink and move three spots.

2. Doing The Count

To do the count, the player counts to four and all players put a number on their head, similar to how teams are picked. Anyone who is holding a number that no one else has chosen wins. Winners move two spots.

3. Complete A Quote

For this, the player begins a quote and all of the other players attempt to finish the quote. For example: “The only thing we have to fear is-" and “-fear itself!” Players who complete the quote correctly drink and move one space.

Additional Rules

1. Everything that you hear in True American is a lie.

2. A player may yell “JFK” at any time, at which point everyone must yell “FDR” and finish their beer.

3. When a player finishes their beer, they yell “All trash belongs,” and all other players respond with: “In the junkyard!” Then the empty cans are thrown into a designated receptacle. I suggest that you use a recycle bin. Save the Earth and stuff.

4. If you want to be even more adventurous and if you make sure to close the blinds, play with Clinton Rules (pick your intern). This means stripping if you fail certain tasks. If you are in the amber fields of grain, then you must take off your jacket. Where is that? I don't know, I've never been to your house before.

Winning

After all of the pawns have been removed, the king is vulnerable. The first player to land on one of the center spaces, finish their beer, and take a swig from the king wins the game!

Losing

If you are caught without a beer or with only an empty beer, you lose. If you step in molten lava, you lose. To enter back into the game, drink one full beer and start on a space that the other players decide.

So, my true Americans, have a fantastic night. Just be careful when you're mixing alcohol and obstacles.