At 23 years old I honestly have no clue what I am supposed to be doing with myself. I really don't. I can say that I have had a lot of days where I feel like something or even someone is missing in my life. There is a piece of my puzzle that is not there and it creates a void on a daily basis. I have days where I want to be held and comforted and just cry my eyes out until I have nothing left. I want to be able to share my inner most thoughts and emotions and be heard and acknowledged. Everyday I push these thoughts and emotions to the back of my mind because I do not know what else to do. I see a lot of my peers in relationships and some even taking it a step further and creating a marriage. I sit back and think when is that going to happen for me? But then I also think, I am only 23 years old, what's the rush? It is a weird thing to explain but I feel that I am destined to be "that person" for someone. I am supposed to be someone's anchor and rock and lift them up and support them. I long to be that for someone. It is just in my nature. And because of this I believe I am unintentionally searching for "that person" for myself. I want someone like that in my life. But why is it such a big deal to me at 23? I feel that I am creating some sort of time clock on the inside and tend to react to any attention I get. Sometimes it is not always the best kind of attention and then I get mad at myself for wasting my time. I feel naive for believing in the potential for something that probably was not going to go far in the first place.
The word love is something that should never be taken lightly. From the age of 13 when hormones are first emerging until the late 20's (sometimes later), love is sometimes not a solid thing. Those years are spent with people figuring out who they are and what they want and what direction their life should go in. It is a lot of confusion. It is a lot of heart ache. It is a lot of questions being asked that often never receive answers. There are a lot of weird moods that cannot be described no matter how hard one tries. That is the space that I am currently in. Do I want a boyfriend? Or do I just want to hang out? But what is hanging out? Is it the same for me as it is for other people? I do not want to compromise who I am as a person and what I believe and feel deep in my soul for anyone. I want to remain true to what and who I am and be accepted and praised for that. However because of past experiences I sometimes build up a wall and expect everyone who wants to get close to go through the trenches and climb over and tear it down brick by brick. I have probably missed out on certain experiences because of my own reservations and apprehensions. Some of those experiences were avoided due to my trusty woman's intuition. There is always a little voice in the back of my head that says something is not right. And you know what? It is usually spot on! I know in my gut when something is off and does not feel right. I just know when something is not settling with me and it will eat away at me until I take action and confront it. I am at the age where I am really figuring out who I want to be. I am open to inviting people into my world. I am trying to be open to trying new things and getting to know new people. But sometimes I regret opening up. People have proved that they do not deserve me as a person. They do not deserve my kindness and gentleness. Their actions and the words they have spoken have altered what I think of them. This whole love thing is scary because the beginning stages of it involving infatuation and lust sometimes prevent it from developing to its full potential. I am still figuring it out. I will still ask the questions and weed out what I do not want and what I think is not right. I'm too young to have it all together, but old enough to know better.
"Waiting is a sign of true love and patience. Anyone can say I love you but not everyone can wait and prove it's true."
