You ever play the "what if" game?
Take going out for lunch for example. You ever stand in line at McDonald's and stare intently at their menu? You ever decide on a double quarter pounder meal and then instantly think about how much better your life might be if you grabbed a handful of their nuggets instead? Now you're up at the counter staring a cashier dead in the eyes unable to form the sentences necessary to get any food? Almost at the point of asking the cashier for recommendations - at McDonald's - you step out of line and let a hoard of customers pass while you go back to staring at the menu because, for the moment, no decision is a better decision?
You are exactly right. It is a stupid game.
Now imagine playing that game every day of your life. With every decision, you have ever made. Think back to the times that you, whether of your own volition or otherwise, played this game in your head knowing it would only hurt you? Yes, we are all generally aware of the fact that the "what if" game is a terrible thing to play, so why is it that it is so addicting?
This game and I have an ongoing love-hate relationship, meaning it loves me and rarely have I hated anything more. The "ongoing" is the kicker in that sentence. No matter how hard I may try, I find myself fiercely unable to avoid running over every detail of every decision in my head over and over again until I can't even remember the options anymore.
The worst part and the reason that sparked this article is that I tend to do this with decisions that are a long, long way in the past. They aren't upcoming - they have been decided and moved right along out of my life, and while they have been over me for endless eternities, I keep crawling back for more painful indecision over a decision that has already been made! Every time I hear a new bit of information, every time I realize something that might have been, every time I lay all my cards out on the table and examine each one until my eyes burn, I bury my future a little deeper under piles of garbage from the past. I think the technical term for it is personal history hoarder, but I'm still working out the kinks.
As someone who does this on an endlessly regular basis, I have only one message for anyone who takes the time to read this. Please don't. Just don't. Don't do what I'm doing, don't waste time and hours on this stupid, stupid game.
I'm not saying "Don't do this" flippantly, the way I'd tell myself regarding stealing my siblings' leftovers out of the fridge. Odds are I'll do that anyway, and the same applies for this. I am saying "Don't do this" as in "Make a conscious decision not to do this." Make a genuine, concerted effort to push these thoughts from your mind. Figure out what distractions work best. Don't think about what a decision could do for you - make the decision you believe is right. If you're wrong, learn from the mistake; don't lean into it.
Decisions, like most of the other parts of this world, are not black and white. They are this grand, sweeping spectrum of every color imaginable. Nowhere on the decision, you are about to make is a concrete list of what happens next. There's no guide, no recipe, no instructions, no spoilers. There is you, and there is a choice to be made.
Do what you can with what you've been given. Make the most of what you have chosen. Don't sweat the small stuff. Or the large stuff, honestly. Go with what your life is, and stop trying to turn it into something it might be.
Believe in your own decisions. And once they're made, don't look back.
