I'll never be her.
It’s the truth.
I’ll never be the girl you wanted...or the girl you did want but changed. I’ll move on and so will you but you’ll say to your boys during practice or out sitting in a lawn chair during a party, drinking a Miller Lite in your left hand, a hand that used to hold mine, that I was never the “her” you wanted.
It happens you know. We change, we evolve, we become what we thought we were supposed to be after so many years of trying to be the “her”, “the girl”, “the one you needed so desperately”. And finally I didn’t become her. And you can’t stand that I somehow didn’t evolve into the person you wanted. I don’t know how you expected me to become the “her” you wanted me to become. I did so much for you and you still expected me to become someone new for you. And after trials and tribulations and working on improving myself, you never wanted me after I became the person I wanted to be. This is what I WANTED, but you still couldn’t get over me wanting to be me. But you became the person I didn’t want either.
You changed. You stopped trying to impress me, you stopped trying to be with me, you stopped everything you always did for me because I didn’t become your “her”. You stopped talking to me about our future and instead talked our past. Our rough times, our times where we fought over stupid shit that never made sense, our times that you couldn’t get over sometimes. So it I think it’s fair to say that change affects two people, instead of one.
But if I did become the person you wanted, I think the world would end up differently from where we are now.
I think about growing old with you, creating a family with you, holding your frail hand as we lay down at night and hold each other until we go to sleep, creating a new life as husband and wife. I will always think about that. Every day I will think about how we almost could of made it, how we could of had 27 dogs in our backyard and me cooking pancakes in the kitchen on a Saturday morning. I will always remember the scar on your hand from you falling off your bike when you were seven, how you always sat behind me in assemblies in school and played with my hair. I will always remember how you let me sing, in my horrible voice, every song on the radio and do my worst dance moves to embarrass you. I will always think about that every day and I hope sometimes you will to. I hope you remember our good times and not the bad, the times where we laughed so hard we cried, and the times where we could stare at each other for hours and just say nothing.
I do still hate you. But at the same time I love you. I hate that I still want you. You wanted her, you needed her.
And I’ll never be her.
