Through all of this anxiety, loneliness, and fear of the unknown, I have learned a lot more about myself than I would have if none of this happened. Yes, this has all been extremely hard for me, but when we are through this and I can see in more clarity the growth that the Lord has been helping me with, it will all feel worth it. I am holding onto that hope as I continue to take this all one day at a time. I want to share what I am learning so I not only have something to look back someday, but also hopefully support and encourage others who are having a hard time. This is something we have never experienced before and there is no way to know the "right way" to get through it. We're all learning and we're doing it together.

I am learning more about my anxiety through all of this. I have separation anxiety and always saw it as something that would come if I had to be away for a weekend or a week. I am a home body when it comes to sleeping, I sleep the best in my own bed and can do overnights but prefer not too. I have never thought twice about it but as I have been digging deeper into my anxiety, I am learning that this separation anxiety that I have goes deeper than I thought. I am realizing that I have separation anxiety from the people I love. When I realized this, it felt like a light switch was turned on and I was able to connect more of my emotions and where the root of those emotions came from. I see that anxiety come out more in moments where I think, "I should be here with these people right now" and that starts the spiral of missing people in such a deep way. Now I am able to recognize when that thought comes, how to feel it in a healthy way so I avoid the spiral and can stop a panic attack in its tracks.

I am learning how to share in the midst of trials. I have always had a hard time sharing with anyone what I am struggling with in the midst of it. I would bottle it all up until I would be on the verge of bursting and then I would share with someone. That was not a healthy thing for me to do and looking back now I can see that. I would always get insecure that I couldn't fix whatever was going on at that time on my own. I didn't want to put it on someone else. God didn't create us to bear these trials alone, which is why He created us for community. Someone once asked me, "Would you drop whatever you are doing to help someone who needed it?" I responded saying I would in a heartbeat. She then asked me why that wouldn't be the same for me. I have amazing people in my life that love me so well and would answer that question the same way I did but for me. Through all of this I have been practicing that and sharing when I am in a hard moment so people can pray for me. I take this one step at a time and always celebrate the moments I share what I am feeling because it still can be so hard to say it but always ends up to be so freeing.

Another thing I am learning is the importance of rest. If you saw my schedule before all of this happened, you may be exhausted just looking at it. I was constantly on the go but loved and still do love everything I was doing. I would get filled up in all the right ways to continue to lead and fulfill the commitments I made. But what I was really slacking in was being filled up through rest. I always saw myself only needing to be filled by doing something and being around people. What I didn't see was the rest I can experience in my slowed down one-on-one time with God and how it balances it all out beautifully. It isn't a one or the other type of fulfillment, it's a balance that, when evened out, can grow and shape you even more into the Lord's calling for you. Without the rest I have been experiencing in all of this, I wouldn't be able to write this blog about what I have learned. God saw my busy life and showed up in it and He is seeing the restful moments and shows up within that too. It really reaffirms the truth that His love and grace are constant. There is never more in one moment than another.

While all of this can be hard and overwhelming, it has also been really encouraging to see how God is working in the midst of this trial. Usually it's always easier to see it at the end once you're through but the Lord knew that this kind of encouragement from Him is what will keep me going through it all. My prayer for anyone reading this is that the Lord shows up in your life to affirm what His plan is for you and that it encourages you to keep moving forward. One thing I have appreciated more in this time is God's simple truths. Most often I overlook these truths as I hear them over and over again throughout my week and never truly let them sink in. These are some of those simple truths that I have just sat in recently: God's love for you never fails, His grace is constant, God never leaves you, God see's what you're going through and cries with you, God intricately created you to be beautifully made in His image, and finally, the biggest declaration over this season, God never stops working.