Today, I got a Facebook message from my first ex whom I dated when I was 18 years old. I was taking a gap year in Korea after high school, before I went to college in the States. We met through my friend. I liked his personality and his vibe. We instantly clicked and started dating.
I liked him so much I did everything for him and gave him everything. I was the kind of a girlfriend who was devoted. I always let him do whatever he wanted to do. Whenever he wanted to hang out with his friends and other girls, I always told him to have fun, to not text me when he was with them so that he could really enjoy his time with his friends. We were in a long distance relationship, and I always took a train and bus to go see him every weekend, while he never came to visit me. I never told him how he made me feel alone and what made me sad because I didn't want to give any more burden than he already had. When he did something wrong, I would feel bad that he had to apologize for something so trivial, that he was not being his usual confident self; that I made him feel small, so I always said sorry for making him feel that way. I always listened and tried to boost his confidence when he was feeling down. I treated him with all these gifts and letters to cheer him up, when he never did the same for me. I paid for every single date we went on because he was just a college student who didn't have enough money, whereas I was working and making money as I was on my gap year.
I did all these because I liked him so much that I never wanted to do anything to make him tired of me, because I was so afraid to lose him. I was happy to be all understanding and give him space and time because losing him was the biggest pain I had to endure above all the things I was already bearing in that relationship. Yet, he still broke up with me. He said that me being that understanding was too much for him to handle. All his friends always told him that letting me go would be the stupidest thing he could ever do, and that I was the best thing that happened to him. He knew I was a great girlfriend (I'm not bragging because now I know the way I was was not necessarily being a good girlfriend). He said that he wanted to do so much more for me, and yet he always messed it up. I would tell him that it's okay and that I wasn't hurt. Apparently, the more understanding and apologetic I was, the more he felt bad about himself and our relationship. He said that, at one point, our relationship turned into some kind of an obligation he had to bear, when it is supposed to be out of love, commitment and mutual understanding. So, basically, he dumped my ass because I was apparently too good for him.
When I was trying so hard to move on, he came back, saying he missed me. I obviously fell for it and took him back. Then, he treated me like sh!t again. The day I was leaving for America, he only came to the airport to say bye because my friends told him to. He didn't wait for me to depart but left hours before my flight without giving me a hug. The way he acted around me, the way he treated me, and everything about him hurt me so much but I didn't want to lose him again, so I just put a smile on my face. After I came to America, he ended it with me again. After a week or so, he got a girlfriend. That was it. I deleted every message, every photo I had with him, and I deleted him on my Facebook.
Like a lot of people do, I hit the lowest self-esteem and self-confidence. I hated myself because I thought I wasn't good enough for him to want to stay with me. I needed the reassurance that I was still beautiful, so I met a lot of other guys, trying to fill in that void within me. I only fell deeper into my misery. After a night out, I would wake up, feeling even more lonely and empty. I tried to look for answers for my problem from somewhere else, when it was right within me. I realized that nobody else could ever restore my confidence, but myself. I realized that what I needed was not somebody else's reassurance, but self-respect and self-love. From the beginning to this realization, it took me one year to completely get over him and move on.
Today, when he messaged me, I asked him why he contacted me, what changed his mind to message me. He wanted to apologize for having been an a$$hole and for breaking my heart. Oddly, I didn't feel a thing. For years, I always felt this uneasiness and sorrow when people talked to me about him. Now, I was indifferent. I laughed and just said, "dude, now you miss me? you finally realized that I was the best girlfriend in the world?" Obviously, it was a joke but the fact that I just laughed and made that joke felt so good to me.
Then, as typical as stories like this unfold, he said that I was too good for him that he had to let me go because he thought it was selfish of him to hold me back. He had to serve in the army for 2 years, and he didn't want to make me wait for him, when I was already under a lot of stress from studying abroad away from home (it is mandatory for Korean males to do the military service for 2 years). He said that he dated that girl to make me hate him so I could move on more easily, because he knew that I still liked him. He said that he always talked about me with his colleagues and always read the letters I wrote for him before going to bed. Eventually, he said that he had to be a d!ck because he liked me and cared so much about me. Usually, that's all bullsh!t. But I didn't think it was bullsh!t because I was so indifferent about all this. It was like I didn't have to make myself want to believe him or not because I didn't care at all.
He said that he wanted to hear my voice and that he missed me. He called me and I answered. He said sorry again. I just said, "don't be, dude. I don't really care any more, so it's alright. You and I were both young." He asked me if I hated him and I said no. He asked me why, and I had to think why I didn't hate him any more. Then I realized and said, "because what I had with you was amazing and beautiful. I don't hate you because I was able to experience all those things and feelings thanks to our relationship, because I would always cherish what we had, because I knew you were a nice person and we just didn't work out, and most importantly, because I don't want to hold grudge against anyone and I don't want to have this hatred within me." I proceeded to telling him that he shouldn't feel sorry any more because I accepted his apology and that it's all in the past now. I told him that I am now in a committed relationship with someone who makes me happy, who makes me laugh and feel wanted and loved. I told him that I would never risk anything to jeopardize this relationship and then I hung up.
I'm actually grateful that I was heartbroken and miserable and pathetic because that experience helped me mature and learn more about myself. I have learnt that me trying to be all understanding and giving was essentially not healthy for myself and my relationship; I have learnt how to love and respect myself, and how to have confidence in and with myself; I have learnt that it's not worth it to hate someone because it is, at the end of the day, self-destructing. I'm glad that I had this experience and this talk with him because I have learnt that, in every hardship and pain you go through, there is still something that you can always pick up and learn. So, whoever, out there, is heartbroken or hasn't moved on, I'm telling you, it's all gonna get better and it's only gonna help you grow as a better person. Don't let them fool you into thinking you are not good enough because you are amazing and beautiful the way you are, and you are so special!
