Well I was stupid enough to pay 80$ for a “over the phone reading” for 30 minutes. I was interested in getting a reading for a while because my life is a big fat mess and the prospect of any guidance sounds like a bowl of lucky charms with just the marshmallows. Anyways, there is place called lily dale which is an hour away from buffalo and it is this little town. The entire town is inhabited by all these crazy spiritualists that insist they have a high level of intuition of nature or whatever bullshit.

Initially, I thought why should I even spend a whole eighty bucks for someone to tell me my future when I could just do it myself by getting cross faded. For those of you too uneducated to know what that means, being “Cross Faded” is the act of combining both mary jane with mr. alchy which leaves you feeling as spiritual as Oprah on her best day’s. But as we all know, you can’t always trust your intoxicated instincts. If I were to get “Cross Faded” and predict my own future my reading would be somewhere along the lines of: political activist, back up dancer for Akon, nobel peace prize winner, oscar nom, and of course I would write and direct my own pixar movie. Obviously, this list is very biased. I decided to make a more mature decision and make a life plan that wasn’t organized after my fourth four loko. So, I thought of course, a psychic will have all the answers! She can figure me out. I knew I needed some direction in my life and if some silly medium who claims to know me can provide that, then she can have my money. After all, I didn’t even know I was gay until the other week when I was finding myself wanting to watch Mama Mia for the 8th time. So, like the vulnerable american baboon I am, I was of course intrigued about getting a reading. I went online and looked at this list of mediums that you could contact appointments with so naturally I went with the first name that stood out to me: Patricia! As the old saying goes: “You always need a Patricia in your life”.

I emailed Trish (I call her Trish cause she’s kind of like a mother figure) and I asked her if I could get a reading. She told me she could only do a phone reading because like every white woman over age 50 named patricia, she was in florida. At first I was skeptical because it was 80$ but what’s 80$ when a woman named patricia can give you a spiritual epiphany. I did notice one thing that was a little alarming. When I was emailing her I noticed that in the beginning of the messages all that was displayed above her email was her name and then as the conversation went on all of the sudden she had a PHD. Because above her name it said patricia blah blah and then phd and I was like wow scam possibility or qualified worker? Of course I made the less naive conclusion, that in the span of time I was emailing her she managed to channel her godly powers and get a doctorates.

She called me at 8 pm the next day and we talked for thirty minutes about life and she basically recited a ted talk she found on youtube. It was mostly like a motivational career talk. She was telling me how I am going to find my path, that I have to believe in myself, that I could become an alcoholic if i’m not careful, and that I should go to the gym more. All things I already knew. I didn’t pay 80$ to get a vocal ass whipping from this random psychic in florida. So I was like patricia stop. Tell me about my future or get a ghost to talk to me I don’t care, just not this. So she told me that my grandpa who is alive and well that had “lower body problems” which is such an odd thing to point out even if he did. Why would I know about my dead grandpas lower body problems? Dumb patricia. Anyways, she told me that my grandpa who is alive but was somehow speaking to her from the heavens wants me to know that “im a good boy”. I was like ummm I am going to need a refund. After the reading I called my grandpa to make sure he was alive and he was. I also concluded that his lower body problems most likely had something to do with viagara. Moral of the story: don’t trust women from florida named patricia with a possible phd. ITS AN ILLUSION.