The world today is filled with “I literally can’t even.” What the hell does that mean. Yes, I put a period there on purpose. You literally can’t even do what?
You literally can’t even finish this homework? You literally can’t even get ready for this party? You literally can’t even drink unflavored coffee? No, you literally can’t even finish a sentence. You literally do not know the definition of literally. This American plague has literally even corrupted the Oxford English Dictionary. Yes, guys, that’s right. Look up the word “literally" in the dictionary, and you will see that the definition now has an informal tense.
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“Used for emphasis or to express strong feeling while not being literally true.”
Well, don’t worry, guys -- I am here to tell you some life-changing words -- words that will forever alter your perception of the world and how many pumpkin spice lattes you literally order a day.
You literally can even. You literally can even finish that homework! You literally can get ready for that party! You literally can drink unflavored coffee! You literally can even finish that sentence! Here are seven things that will happen to you when you realize that you literally can even!
1, You start to go to the bathroom alone. Gone are the days of bathroom pacts. If you have to pee, you go pee. You don’t need your whole squad there for support. Remember, you literally can even!
2. You stop craving a daily pumpkin fix during autumn. Say goodbye to that looming threat of never having enough pumpkin spice lattes or other pumpkin absurdities.
3. You can make EasyMac without setting off your dorm fire alarm. That’s right, it's now socially acceptable to add water before microwaving.
4. You can wear a sweatshirt you didn’t steal from a boy’s closet. What? There are sweaters out there that come from other places than boys' closets? Yes, there are, and they can be yours! After careful consideration, this rule also applies to flannels.
5. You begin to understand football. If you just stop “Literally can’t even-ing” for a moment, you’ll realize there is more to football than muscle-laden men in tight pants.
6. Shirts that don’t have some sort Greek affiliation start to seem appealing. Just because you love your sorority doesn’t mean you can’t wear other clothing. It’s not cheating -- it's just fashion.
7. You can walk outside without a full face of makeup. Remember, you can even! So don’t think you need all that makeup to even. You don’t.
