Being anyone in this world is the hardest thing right now. You can't be Black, White, Hispanic or Latino without someone being racist toward "your kind". You can't be gay or straight because both are frowned upon by the other. You can't be opinionated. You can't be a democrat or really a republican either because that means you support Hilary or even Donald. You can't be too smart or too dumb. You can't have tattoos because they are unprofessional. You can't have purple hair because you like the color purple...if you have purple hair then you have got to be Gothic or just too much of something that we don't quite have an answer to yet. My point here is, in today's world, we can't really "freely" be ourselves anymore because that means that someone else is going to hate or dislike us.
Recently, I have been struggling more and more to love myself. It's always been an uphill battle for me, but it recently has been a mountain of a battle. I've always been more of a the glass is half-empty type of person,which would be the first of my problems. To me, I just see life for what it is. I don't like to get my feelings hurt or get let down because I take it really hard.
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I'm going to share with you 10 of my biggest insecurities and I encourage you to make a list of yours as well. I know that sounds horrible, negative and self-destructing, but I promise that is not how I mean it. I want you to point out your insecurities yourself so others can't point them out for you. You admitting to yourself what your insecurities are makes way for you to accept them and actually start to love yourself more.
1. My weight
This is without a doubt my biggest insecurity. I have struggled with my weight since I was in elementary school. I had really bad asthma when I was younger and an even worse immune system. So, whenever I was sick, I was put on steroids. It almost never failed. This made me gain weight and I mean more weight than I should have gained when I was just in elementary school. I was the awkward kid in the back of all of the school photos because I had already had my growth spurt. I had bigger boobs than my third grade teacher...in third grade. When I got to high school, I joined marching band and that helped drop some of the weight but I still have never been satisfied with my weight. I feel like I have tried everything, except for actually sticking with my plan.
My weight makes me insecure because nobody wants or wants to be the fat girl. I have been the fat girl my entire life, through grade school and now I'm still the fat girl in college.
2. My height
I know everyone teases me about being short and it totally doesn't bother me. But what does bother me is that I'm 21 and when I go to a bar, I have to stand because my legs are too short to reach the ground in chairs so sitting down just makes my legs fall asleep. It is embarrassing that I still get my shoes from the kids section. (This one isn't too bad only because that means the shoes are cheaper.) I hate that I literally cannot reach anything, ever. I can't even stand when I ride the metro to work because I can't reach the top bar.
3. My attitude
If you know me well then you know I have an attitude. You know that can get sassy and sometimes it's too sassy. Sometimes, if people don't already know me and understand my level of sarcasm, I hurt their feelings even though I don't mean to. When something is bothering me I have a hard time not letting it affect my attitude.
Don't get me wrong because anyone that knows me knows I also take pride in being sassy and being able to stand up for myself. But, my mouth has gotten me in trouble more times than I would like to count.
I want to be better at being more positive or having a more positive attitude towards things.
4. My learning disability
I'm not quite sure exactly what I have and I have been meaning to get tested. And some people might think I'm crazy for saying I have a learning disability, but when you know yourself then sometimes you just know.
For my entire grade school and college career I have struggled so much with comprehending things and remembering them. So as a normal person you would say "Shay you just need to study more" well that's then wrong answer. I would study for hours and take notes and the next day I would remember nothing that I learned. I'm a horrible test taker and I have the worst test anxiety. Now, for those of you that think that test anxiety is just an excuse, you probably get A's on your tests and study the night before. Welcome to my world, where I can study two weeks leading up to a test and still fail. It's a tough spot to be in and all I can ask is that people are more understanding.
It's always been an insecurity of mine because all of my friends and sisters make deans list and ace every test they take when I'm honestly happy when I get a B.
5. My trust issues
Anyone that knows me knows that I have the worst trust issues. From getting screwed over and lied to so much, I have to have trust issues. Trust issues are annoying, I know but for someone who gets hurt all the time, it's a way to keep my guard up.
I don't like have trust issues because it makes relationships and friendships hard, but I do know I'm getting better. I have ruined so many of my friendships and relationships from pushing people away so much. But I do know that I am learning to trust others but I am also learning to trust myself. Time heals all wounds right?
6. My awkwardness
I am an extremely awkward person. When I was younger I was quite the polar opposite of awkward but when I started getting older I started realizing that people judge you. I started to care what people thought and in a way it kind of ruined me. I am awkward when I feel uncomfortable, I am awkward when I'm happy, I'm awkward around males, I'm just awkward.
7. My memory
I swear that I have the worst memory of anyone that I know. It's such a big insecurity to me because I can't remember things when talking to people, or when people are talking to me, or during tests.I honestly don't remember the things I had for dinner last week. That is how it is. I get so frustrated with myself because I can't remember things.
8. My inability to follow through with things
I have a really hard time with getting scared and walking away. I do it all the time. I get insecure or I get scared and walk away from something or someone simply because I think its better than sticking around. In reality, the person I'm really hurting is myself because I am teaching myself that I don't matter. I am teaching myself to run from things instead of sticking around through the hard things.
9. Comparing myself to others
I, just as every other female in this world, see any other female and compare myself to her.
"Wow. She has perfect hair."
"I want those shoes. And that dress"
"Is she judging me because I'm wearing this?"
Thoughts that all females have while doing just about anything. I think this is an insecurity of all women and it just continues to kill us slowly every day. I want to be so much skinnier. I want to have better skin. I want to be more tan. I want this. I want that. But in reality, I just want to be okay with myself. Every girl just wants to accept themselves for once.
These are all of my insecurities. These are the things that go through my head. This was just one chapter in my book but these things will not change me. Well, they actually will, but lets hope that they do in a positive way.
I'm not looking for you to coddle me after you read this or tell me that I'm this or I'm that...I'm encouraging you to think of the things that make you feel insecure. Write them down. Make a list. Remind yourself that you are you and you are trying to become a better version of you.
Like I said: if you point out your own flaws, nobody else will. (Actually the assholes will but you don't have to pay them any mind)
