Recovery, or any major change, is scary (I wrote an article about that here.). That's why some people don't even attempt it. For me, it wasn't about the fear of failure -- it was the fear of succeeding. Sounds strange hearing myself say it out loud because why would I be terrified of something I wanted (and needed) so desperately?
It was the fear of starting over; of rebuilding. For years, I have become comfortable with a particular version of me and even though it wasn't one I was proud of, it was my identity. Recovery meant having to throw away everything I had ever known and build a new life from scratch. It all seemed just too exhausting and quite frankly too intimidating, so I simply stayed where I was because I didn't have the energy to start over all over again.
But little did I know, it actually wasn't as difficult or heartbreaking as I thought. Through the process of losing my old identity, I gained an entire new one; one that I was proud of and that I actually liked.
Recovery has given me room to explore and discover new aspects of myself that I never even knew existed. I felt as if as soon as I found the strength to begin again, those parts of my soul emerged from the darkness and blossomed into something beautiful just like a lotus flower in murky waters. I lost myself, but in the most beautiful of ways.
It was through losing myself that I was able to find myself.
My soul had been born again.
I discovered where I truly belong and that is in the light; not in the darkness.
I took a risk and although I was apprehensive about the journey I was about to embark on, I walked the road to recovery with trembling legs and a weary mind. I took a massive leap of faith and even though I was unsure, even doubtful, that was going to succeed, I took it nonetheless which brought me to where I am at this present moment.
My journey is far from over, but I'm no longer afraid to travel it because I know that what I have ahead of me is far greater than anything I left behind. Not only is it a journey to recovery, but also a journey of self discovery. With each step, I am discovering myself more and more. I am finally becoming who I'm meant to be, and I certainly wasn't getting there by staying the same.
New beginnings are something that should be embraced rather than feared. It's not always necessarily a bad thing.
