This article isn't one I'm particularly familiar or comfortable with writing. Faith, for me, has been an internal battle for as long as I can remember; something that I've simultaneously sought and fought, craved and ignored, doubted and rediscovered, time after time. But faith, I've learned, is more than a religion, it's more than a church, and it's certainly more than any book or gospel.
It's the combination of each of these things, but moreover it's the sense that there is a God out there -- whether it's a He, a She, an It, a simple cloud, a ray of light -- it's the belief that there is someone, some entity, that hears your prayers; the belief that there is someone who cares.
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I am Roman Catholic by baptism, but the Catholic church as an institution stopped making me feel anything after the age of 16 besides the innate sense that I was a hypocrite, and though I started going to mass again in college, I go more for the community and spiritual feeling than for the scripture readings and communion. The Bible makes me want to scream when I read or hear some of the ridiculous ways it portrays things that just don't make sense within the logical side of my brain -- all the world's languages came from the Tower of Babel and not just cultural development and migration? I'm just not buying it (and I'm not even some hugely fanatic scientific person, either).
But what does it mean? What could it possibly mean? All too often, I find myself praying -- really praying -- only when I'm in need, undergoing a trial, or suffering through a hardship, and this is why I started pondering my faith more. Why do I only send prayers when I'm in need, yet expect them to be answered just because I asked? If I ask when it's convenient, doesn't that mean that it would make sense if they were only answered when it's convenient, too? Who am I to judge the way the universe works?
I struggled a lot with these questions when I was entering college and, 3 years later, I'm not sure how much closer I've come to answering them. But, then again, I've come to realize that faith is something that doesn't just develop overnight, it's a lifelong journey, one I must commit to and one I must accept as being beyond my control.
See, I've met some really great people with strong belief systems and immense faith in the church that I belong to, and I've also met some really incredible humans with no religion or no mention of spirituality beyond their own sense of human compassion. It's not as black and white as it always seems when you're a kid; "people who go to church are good people, people who don't go to church are sinners and won't go to Heaven." Not that this is necessarily true, but it's what my mentality was as a child, and it led me to struggle when I really started delving deeper into my religion and realized it wasn't all that it was built up to be, after all those years of Catholic school and weekly mass... I realized it was, quite simply, a routine. A habit that, ironically, followed me and became my identity, like it is to the nuns who wear it proudly as their own skin.
But, through it all, I prayed. I held onto that little sliver of faith that says, "There's gotta be someone out there." "There's gotta be someone who's leading me where I need to be." And I believe there is. I believe in God and the love that He bestows upon us all -- whether or not we accept the presence of God in our lives.
I don't believe those who go to church are "the chosen race" any more than I believe my faith is superior to other faiths. And I know that it's hard to recognize the existence of someone who wants to fill our lives with love and joy when all we see in front of us is a life of hardship, a life that some believe makes a mockery of God. But I urge you to come to terms with your faith whichever way your mind, your heart, your soul lead you... it doesn't make you weak to pray to the invisible powers of the world that you can't see, it makes you strong in character and in soul. And I don't mean to say that you should place your faith in one entity and not work on your own self just because of a vain and misguided belief that your God will magically fix all.. because you should never do that, nor should you ever expect that. That's not the way faith works, and that's not the way anyone's version of God works. My faith acts through me and gives me something to steady my thoughts and calm my fears; it is an inner strength, and sometimes comes in the form of another's outstretched hand, but it is not stagnancy in the face of tumult. Faith is reflection, but faith is also action.
I believe everything happens for a reason, and I believe that all the questions we ask get answered in their own time, in ways we often don't expect or even understand. I believe that there is more to this world than the humans who inhabit it, and that we are each here for a reason. I believe that God's time is always better than my own, and that to share our lives and love with others is to fulfill our higher calling. I believe that simple gestures can outweigh grandiose deeds, and that human kindness is powerful beyond the ethics of any single institution. I believe that there is much more to come, and that having faith as my companion through the journey would not be such a bad thing after all.
And through it all,... I believe.
For more reflection, this song helped me and continues to help me understand myself and my relationship with my faith... who knows, maybe it will help you too.
"Your love surrounds me when my thoughts wage war..."
