If you’re a Tampa native like myself, you’ll agree that Gasparilla is the biggest event of the year. This pirate invasion and parade hosted by Ye Mystic Krewe makes the end of January a very special time filled with friends, beads and alcohol (if you’re 21 of course). However, if you didn’t grow up in Jose Gaspar’s territory, better known as the pirate who inspired this chaos, and are planning to attend Gasparilla this year, I’m going to let you in on a few secrets that’ll make your day that much more special.   

The Pirates
As you’re walking down the parade route with a solid buzz, you’ll definitely question your sanity when you see all these men and women staggering around wearing ripped up pirate attire and sporting fake blood all over their faces. Who are these people? Well, the women are pretty sane and just looking for an excuse to drink mimosas in the morning and dress to the nines all afternoon. But the men? These guys are the well-known business men of Tampa getting hammered, shooting off cannons and hitting on girls young enough to be their daughters. Ask your best friend from Tampa what her dad likes to do in his free time.  

The Attire 

Although you’ll see many bandanas, fishnets, floppy hats and whatever everyone else thinks pirates actually wore, you don’t actually have to dress like that! Peg legs and hooks for hands are cool and all, but there’s no need to spend money if you aren’t actually marching along in the parade. However, I highly suggest buying a blow up sword from one of the street vendors to drunkenly duel your friends.  

The Parties

If you’re tagging along with a friend from Tampa this year, chances are he or she is going to take you to some type of party before or after the parade. If this isn’t the case, no need to panic yet. I can almost guarantee that if you walk into a house party in one of the neighborhoods behind the parade, the guests, and hopefully the hosts, are too drunk to realize you’re not a “friend of a friend”.    

Willow Street

If crashing a stranger’s party to take a jello shot isn’t your thing, I would recommend going to the corner of Willow Street and Bayshore. I really don’t know what the hype is about this intersection but if you’re walking and need a destination, stop on by and I assure you a familiar face will be in the crowd.     

Exercise

Don’t feel bad about all the calories consumed on this glorious day, because chances are you’re going to burn them off when you’re walking a few miles just to find a Port-a-Potty. It cancels it out, so at least you won’t feel as bad when you’re munching on some sketchy burger from a food vendor.         

Bathrooms

Speaking of Port A Potties, cozy up to them because they are your new best friends. Unless you want to urinate in public and probably get arrested, I would suggest not breaking the seal for as long as you can muster.  

Cell Phones

Bring yours for the pictures and videos, but as far as cell reception goes, there will be none on the parade route. With more than 10,000 people walking down Bayshore Blvd., the chances of your text or Snapchat going through are pretty small. Stick with your friends because if someone gets lost you'll probably never see him or her again. Since this is a pirate invasion, I would just assume he or she is off swabbing the deck or walking the plank. 

Beads 

Beads are one of the most essential parts of Gasparilla. The pirates walking along the parade route are throwing them from the floats, or personally handing them to you if you get close enough. However, if you accumulate too many, your neck will hate you. Also, keep in mind that these fascinating valuables are just beads. Please don’t embarrass yourself by flashing, or shoulder checking a 12-year-old kid in order to grab a 10-cent wire of plastic.    

Sunset Salsa 

If none of this aimless walking around sounds appealing, I would advise purchasing a ticket to the Sunset Salsa tent. All you can eat and drink, without the tears and woes of walking around South Tampa. This exclusive tent has live music, up close and personal seats on the parade route and did I mention all you can eat and drink?

Fireworks

A new edition to Gasparilla 2015 is a fireworks show at the end of the parade in downtown Tampa at Curtis Hixon Park. What better way to end your booze-filled adventure than to enjoy a beautiful light show in the sky? Aaarg, that was fun.