Facebook. Twitter. Instagram. Dating profiles (and for those of you wondering I am still holding strong in my commitment to not join farmersonly.com until I am 30). Heck even the goofy pictures on Snapchat in the ghost thing. They all have profile pictures, and in some cases a second background or cover photo. But profile pictures, the one that people can see without actually clicking on you profile, that’s the one I want to talk about.

It’s such a simple thing, picking a profile picture. But let’s be honest, we’ve all spent way too long trying to pick a new one out only to decide to keep the one we currently have because we don’t like what the new one looks like or what it says about us. So what does the one you have say about you?

Sure, it’s probably just a nice looking picture of you, maybe there’s somebody else in it, maybe there’s not. And maybe there are a few simple things you can pick up from it. Maybe he’s in his football uniform, so you know he plays football. Maybe she’s on a horse, so you know that she rides horse. Simple, right?

I think we all know that we analyze profile pictures much more than that. We speculate and jump to conclusions on our way to making a bunch of assumptions, most of them probably incorrect. It’s those assumptions that I like to make comedy of, so as we dive into what profile pictures really say about people, keep in mind that this is meant to be comical. Don’t be sensitive and get offended. Believe me, I have been guilty of almost all of these at one point or another in the past. Having said that, here are my favorite types of profile pictures and what they really say about you.

I think that we all have good examples in our minds of all these types, so I will let you all use your imaginations rather than providing pictures of each scenario.

High School Senior Picture

I was in much better shape in high school than I am now.

I am currently guilty of this crime on my Facebook profile. And I can indeed say that in my case that I was indeed in much better shape back in high school than I am now. But, that may not be the case for everyone (or even if it is the case, it may not be why they chose the picture). Senior pictures are quite often professionally done. So maybe it’s just simply the nicest picture they have of themselves. This is somewhat true in my case, except for my mother took the picture and I’m in my work clothes. Okay so for me it is because I was in better shape, but it may not be the case for everyone.

Picture With Significant Other

Me: Hey how….
Her: I have a boyfriend

That’s it.

But seriously, that’s the knee-jerk reaction. And unless that’s her brother (which you may be pleased to find out after some next level creeping), it’s true. Before I go on, don’t worry gals, the girls in my cover photo on Facebook are my sisters, I know you’ve been wondering. Anyway. But again, the knee-jerk reaction has a little truth to it, but only to the point of it is his or her way of telling the world that they are taken and proud, and you should respect that. Regardless, we all know how fun it is to tease a friend when they put up a profile pic or you catch a glimpse of their phone background staring them and their significant other for the first time. That’s actually the best part of these profile pictures.

Picture Of A Person Who Has A Significant Other But They Are Not In The Picture

?????? OMG DID THEY BREAK UP?!?!?!?

I need to text my bestie right away to ask if he knows. Dudem I’m totally hitting on her this weekend. Finally!!! Shhhhh. Calm down. If they broke up and you need to know about it somebody will tell you. It couldn’t possibly just be because it’s her Facebook account and not a joint account so she’s allowed to have a profile picture without him in it. How dare she. Giving a guy hope. How thoughtless. No. No. No. This is maybe my favorite one because of all the worthless conversations and text changing a Significant Other out of a profile pic has caused at colleges and high school across the globe.

Picture With Pets

I have been single for a very long time and am nearing the point of desperation.

I am not guilty of this one… But my phone background screen is of me and my dog. Oops. And now I'm telling people about it online. Clearly, I'm super desperate. Or maybe I just have a super awesome dog. This time, that is indeed the case for me. BUT HE IS NOT MY CHILD. I repeat. I love my dogs but they are not my children nor will I ever refer to them as such. Yes, I’m talking to you (especially both of my sisters).

American Flag in Background

I am a college student and I have way too much fun on the weekends.

I bet that guy couldn’t even walk home from that place last weekend. Never mind, he probably lives there. The place is probably disgusting and I bet they throw parties like 9 days a week. I might go there next weekend actually, looks kinda fun. But he is such a toolbag. Or maybe one of his friends who also lives their served in the military or he has a close family member or friend who serves our country. Maybe the flag is in the living room simply because he has pride in his country. Or it could be the simple answer. Maybe him and his friends have happy, carefree smiles in the picture and he likes it. And yes, this one is currently my Twitter pic.

Picture With Multiple People In It

He/she isn’t the most attra ctive one, don’t even bother clicking through their last 20 profile pics.

But I better check anyways because even if she isn’t the pretty one maybe the pretty one will be tagged in one of her pictures. This one might be the most pathetic of all. Him or her and their friends are probably having a great time and look nice in the picture. Nothing more. No big motive to hide their flaws or to trick someone into believing they are the pretty one. They’re probably all pretty, and more importantly, they are probably all happy and smiling, and that’s what really matters.

Guy Without Shirt On/Girl In Swimsuit

What a D-bag/slut. Obviously available.

No kidding right? Actually no, not at all. Well maybe, but not always. Maybe that’s their favorite picture from their vacation last winter. Maybe that her favorite smile. Maybe they are just a confident person and just like the picture so they don’t care what skin is or isn’t showing.

A Vehicle

Depending on the type of vehicle it could range from, “We get it, you vape.” To, “We get it, you chew tobacco.” And finally, “We get it, you’re parents think they can buy your love.”

I think we can all guess which vehicles match the descriptions. The vaper has a sweet low-rider ricer. The dipper has a jacked up pickup, maybe even with some stacks. And the last one, well they have a vehicle that cost more than you and you 5 best friends current vehicles combined. Or perhaps there’s a different reason. This one is my personal favorite, maybe the vehicle is in fact more attractive than the person. But it could be even more simple than that. Sometimes people had to work really hard for a really long time to afford a vehicle, so they are super proud to have it. Or maybe they restored it with their grandpa and that’s a great memory for them.

Moral of the story. We all read WAAAAAYYYYYYY too far into profile pictures sometimes. But who am I kidding, even after writing this, I'm still going to get my hopes up when I see she finally changed her profile picture and he's no longer in it.