Today is National Coming Out Day, but what does that really mean? Trick question. There’s no single way to really describe coming out, it’s different for everyone who experiences it first hand. If I had to put a single word to it, it would be complicated.
I got lucky. I have a support system that many don’t, and, even though I knew that I would be accepted and loved, it was still terrifying. There were so many times I would be in the car with one of my parents and just want to blurt it out. Fear held back the impulse. I knew for a while before extraneous circumstance, for lack of a better word, forced me out of the closet. For the amount of times I imagined that moment in my head, I never expected it to happen the way it did, in a whirlwind of emotion I couldn’t handle.
Like many who are figuring themselves out in high school I went through phases of acceptance and denial of myself. No one else ever tried to “cure” me, but I did. I bought “girly” clothes, walked differently, spoke differently. But, let’s just say that didn’t last. In trying to find myself, wearing pink shirts and tight, bedazzled jeans, I found exactly who I wasn’t. When I finally came to terms with who I was, I felt a sense of relief but mostly uneasiness and fear.
Now I would have to tell my parents. I would have to tell my friends. I couldn’t just walk down the street or through the hallway anymore and be the same. Once people know, they don’t see you as just Tara anymore, and even if they don’t say it, you feel it.
I stopped feeling comfortable in locker rooms, knowing that other people knew. I would change as quickly as I could before practice and quickly leave the room because I felt like my sheer presence would make my teammates uncomfortable. No one ever mentioned anything along those lines, but in my head they were screaming. The voices that originate between your ears, not from others, are the loudest.
I stopped feeling comfortable at sleepovers. I would always sleep awkwardly far away in fear that someone would think it was weird to sleep next to me. And when the conversation inevitably ventured to the conversation of boys, like it does at every high school sleepover, I would never know how to contribute to the conversation. I usually just sat there in silence knowing that anything I said would be taken as a joke. It never ends. The voices in your head reminding you you’re different from everyone else. You never stop thinking about how other people feel in your presence, if it makes them uncomfortable having you there.
“Coming out” sounds so definite and final, like you do it once and all of a sudden everyone knows. What a world that would be, you just wear a different colored bracelet based on who you love. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work like that. Every time I meet someone new I feel like I’m living a lie until I feel comfortable enough around them to let them in on a big part of my life. Honestly, I don’t try to hide it but I feel like an obligation to confirm it for people.
People compensate when you tell them you’re gay. They start pointing out every rainbow flag, pointing out every publicly out person in the media, associating you with anything and everything out there they know about the LGBTQ+ community, and they do so out of the goodness of their hearts. But, I am no different of a person than the person I was before you knew I was gay. I still drive on the right side of the road, I still tie my shoes the same, I still listen to the same music. It amazes me what happens when you can attribute a label to someone or something. To others I am no longer Tara. I am Tara, and oh by the way gay. You can see skin color, you can see gender, but you can’t see love. People form opinions of others based on these physical attributes, but to give others access to a piece of yourself willingly, knowing there is the chance of ruining relationships or a definite chance that others views of you will change, that’s scary.
Still to this day, I’m a little scared. Writing this piece, I was conflicted on how to write it, or if I even should write it. I know there are people out there that don’t agree with who I am and what I believe and that’s okay. I won’t deny that I want to scream at them and tell ask them if they really think I would choose this life for myself if I really had the choice. I mean, why would I choose to live in fear of discrimination and hatred? On the other hand, I also know that there are many other people out there that love, support, and accept me and those in the LGBTQ+ community. I honestly can’t thank you enough. Coming out isn’t ever a process I feel will be complete, but it’s nice to know there are people like you that make the process a little easier.
To those who are struggling to come to terms with yourself that’s okay. It takes time, and it’s not easy. Just because today is National Coming Out day doesn’t mean you have to. If you do use this day as your outlet, welcome. No matter who you are or who you love, you will always have a friend here to help navigate this big, scary world together.
