When someone ask you what is depression or if you receive the definition, they all pretty much say similar things. They say depression is the feeling of being sad or feeling hopeless, and if you get a more biological definition it says it is a lack of serotonin. Depression is so much more than that.

A few months ago, I would get so frustrated with myself because I was unable to explain what depression truly feels like to someone who has never really experienced what it is like. The way I finally explained it was, I just feel like in in this hole where I keep telling myself there’s a ladder and everyone else is telling me the ladder is there, but I cannot find it. In my search, I get scratched and bruised while falling further into the abyss and feeling as if I’ve lost my way. Then, once I see the ladder I get so close where I can almost touch it then poof... it vanishes like a hallucination. So, I try harder and search longer for this ladder until I give up. Which then allows me to lose control and sanity, spiraling down fast. This making me crave the ladder more, but this time it’s too late and too difficult to get back to even imagining the ladder was there. But I do it and keep trying even though each time it disappears, leaving me in this hole. Even that does not fully grasp how exhausting it is to have it.

Depression is more than just being sad though. Having depression is draining, just getting up for class or work itself can feel as if you just ran a marathon and now you must participate in society and act as if you are completely fine. You feel as if you are alone while surrounded by people. Even when you have friends that say they are here for you, parts of you will feel as if the whole world is on your shoulders and you must take care of it all by yourself.

Imagine going to sleep never really knowing if tomorrow will be a good day or if you will wake up feeling like your bed is sucking you in deeper and deeper. Going to sleep the night before, the whole day prior you could be having the best day of your life, and the next could be the worst. You can tell yourself today will be a good day but if you have ever had depression you know that no matter how hard you try the most you will be able to do is go through the motions until you can lock yourself away. Then there are days where you are physically unable to even get out of bed, if you are lucky enough after strong persuasion and prying yourself up you eventually rise out of bed but not without a chunk of time and energy being depleted. Isn’t it interesting how if you are sick and cannot get out of bed you are excused from class with an email saying “get well”, but being so depressed and emotionally drained is not seen as a good enough reason to miss class?

Another side of depression, people happen to overlook is when someone can look completely normal and be severely affected. You do not have to listen to punk rock, while having all black everything, with hair covering your eyes to be depressed. Personally, that is the stereotype that hurts the most. Depression comes in all shapes and sizes and guess what, men can have it too! In addition to the stereotypical view of what a “depressed” person looks like, a lot of people who find out you have depression often say, “your life isn’t that bad” or they will say things like “you have a family who loves you” and “you don’t look depressed”. My question to those people is how do you know truly what someone’s life is like and what exactly do you have to look like to be seen as depressed?

Something that I feel should be addressed but commonly is not would be the level of self-loathing that comes with depression. When you are depressed you blame yourself for everything, this blame is more intense than just oh it my fault for leaving the water on. We blame ourselves for just being born. We will blame ourselves for everything that goes wrong, even when we have no control over it. Why? To be depressed you honestly hate yourself and what you have become. I know that can be harsh to read but it is the truth. You also feel like you always should apologize for everything, which goes along with the self-hatred, often we apologize because we are afraid of losing more than we already have and view ourselves as embarrassments and/or burdens. Although that can be far from what is actually happening our minds think differently, we view our failures heavier than our success and view our world with a lot more clouds and gray skies.

All in all, depression is more than being sad and not wanting to get out of bed. It is about being strong when we feel the weakest. It is about overcoming day to day struggles with hopes of a possible better future. It is about wanting a life you have always wanted, when it’s always been just outside your grasp.