A few days ago, one of my friend's asked me what it is like to be depressed. Well, I thought for a second on what I should say. I took psychology, so I could have told her that depression is a lack of dopamine from the brain that causes you to lose the feeling of happiness. Or, I could have told her that it is like an overwhelming sadness that doesn't go away for long periods of time on end, as my health teacher taught us in high school. But, that's not what I said. Unlike most people, I have a firsthand experience with depression. So instead of giving her a definition of depression, and how I was taught it makes a person feel, I told her this instead.
Depression is a lot like drowning.
You're being held under water, unable to breathe, unable to scream or cry or think. The only thing you can do when dealing with depression is feel like you are drowning and thrash around until someone comes to help you. But no one ever does. So you stay there. Stuck and drowning under water that isn't really there.
Depression is like falling in a dream.
You know you are not really falling but you can't shake the feeling that you are soaring toward danger at a million miles per hour and there is nothing you can do but allow yourself to hit rock bottom.
Depression is needing to cry 24/7 but constantly choking it down.
You choke down the sobs, and hold in the tears because you know that the moment anyone sees the smallest bit of weakness, they will pounce. Some just turn their backs and ignore it, but others, the more cruel of people, attack and try to destroy the thing that is weak. So you choke down the tears until that knot that has formed in your throat is finally choking you, reminding you that you are drowning.
Depression changes every aspect of your personality.
Things you once found entertaining, are now boring and don't bring the same light to your life that they did before. Things that you did regularly, are too difficult to accomplish. Even just getting out of bed hurts every part of you. Things that once brought a smile to your face, now burn behind your eyes because you know you should be enjoying it but you can't. It even changes the way you handle certain situations. Something that would have bothered you before, but you would be able to let go, now haunts you every moment of the day, and your reactions are blown so out of proportion. You lose control of how you react and by the time you try to apologize, it's way too late, just adding to your depression.
Depression is a reliance on drugs to make you feel better.
They prescribe different antidepressants to different people depending on the case and the severity, and the moment you are feeling better and think you could definitely go without taking them, it creeps back into your life. But by that time it's too late. The chemical balance in your brain is already thrown off so bad that it's going to take weeks to return to normal.
Depression changes how your closest friends see you.
People that you once thought you knew and could trust look at you different. They don't want anything to do with you. Your best friends since elementary school are now strangers. No one likes you because they can't handle being friends with the girl who doesn't voice her opinion in class anymore, and they can't be seen with someone who can't even do her homework in the small bits of time between mental breakdowns.
Depression is wanting to scream out for help but not having the voice to do so.
You want to ask for help so badly, but it hurts to approach people. On top of that, you feel as though everyone hates you, so even if you did ask for help, no one would give it to you. So instead of approaching people you start to scream, but no noise comes out. And you're stuck there screaming for help, not being heard by anyone.
Depression is a lot more than just being sad. There are plenty of days where everything is fine and dandy, and then you are hit by the bus that is depression again and are thrown back into the pit you barely escaped from last time.
Recovery is the same way. For a while you think you're fine, and that you are finally going to be cured of the disorder that has plagued your mind for the last two years, but then you are anything but okay. It starts as overreactions of small problems that become blown out of proportion, and slowly goes into the overwhelming inability to even leave your bed. Suddenly, all of your friends hate you and there is nothing you can do about it. It hurts to get up, and it hurts even more to try to talk to someone. All you can do is wait until the meds kick in, and the chemical signals that are supposed to go off in your brain can go off again.
And that is what depression is. But it is not the same for everyone. It affects everyone differently, this is just how I know it to be.
