I started my second year at my dream school this year, I think by this point that's common knowledge. When I was moving into our apartment, one of my roommates had her boyfriend over helping put stuff together. He had brought one of his frat brothers along and y'all know how cartoons get heart eyes popping out of their heads? It was like that. He was THE cutest boy I had ever seen and W O W Z A. I was hit with a ton of bricks.
So, flash forward a week later, we have TWO classes together AND he sits next to me! WILLINGLY. So, obviously my brain goes into girl mode and I'm hating myself for not dressing up for the first day of classes! I'm shaking because how do I talk to this boy? What do I say? I wait. I let him guide what we talk about. A lot of it is about our shared friends, this is good. Good. Soon, we have an opening and start talking about other things. This makes my heart EXPLODE.
He's so funny! We like the same things! Movies! Yes, I can talk about movies. TV shows, yes! He is perfect! The more we talk, the more I'm hoping I'm not drooling all over my table because he just keeps getting more and more amazing. I feel 13 again and then, I realized.
I've always put my whole heart into anyone I even develop feelings for. I dive head first, but this...this is different. This is fun, he makes my heart beat faster, and my cheeks get red. I do dumb things hit him with a rubber band to get his attention while we sit right next to each other. I haven't felt like this since I was 13. It's silly, it's fun, it's childish and exactly what I need.
I have had two serious relationships in my life. In one of them, the boy cheated on me more times than I could ever count. The second, there was something about him that he just couldn't love me the way I loved him, he wasn't ready yet. So, both of those I took pretty hard when they ended.
But! He's not like that? He's just fun and trying to see if he'll give me a shot is my favorite time. and being the person that normally gives way too much in any situation a bit of back and forth fun is the best thing I've ever done. There's nothing on the line, there's no heart to be broken.
For half a second, as I was writing this, I feared slut shaming. My brain said "oh god...what is everyone gunna think when I say I'm having fun with this boy?" But as a 19 year old woman with her whole life ahead of her, I feel like i fully reserve the right to have as much fun as I want with a boy. I reserve the right to date, to flirt, to live my life. There is no set timeline or agenda, right now I'm just living and I think that is so important.
Right now, is the freest I will be in my adult lifetime. No full time job, no kids, nothing to stop me from doing literally what (who) ever I want. So, get out there sis. Flirt with the cute boy in history, smile at the Starbucks barista. Tell that boy you keep seeing at parties that you want to dance with him. Better now than never.
