Whenever someone becomes famous, people who knew them before they became famous tend to suffer from "I knew them before they were famous" syndrome. Symptoms of this include feeling pride in yourself for having known of that person before they became famous because somehow that makes you better than everyone else. Another symptom can be someone bragging about knowing about them before everyone else did. I suffer from both of these symptoms. I'm so glad that I discovered Christina Grimmie, and finding her before she became famous allowed me to watch her amazing journey.

So the first cover of hers I ever listened to was this one— "Never Say Never" by The Fray. I stumbled upon this cover in my recommendations section on YouTube. This video probably came up because I was going through a The Fray phase (I went through a lot of different music phases when I was younger). I avoided it for a bit (for whatever reason I thought her weird YouTube username meant that she wouldn't be a very good singer. Keep in mind I was 13 at the time). I later ended up caving in and watching it. This was in early 2011 and she was still filming in her room with a Sonic the Hedgehog poster in the background. I was very intrigued by this since most singing videos you see wouldn't have that kind of thing because it's "unprofessional." Because of Sonic, I thought, "Why not keep watching?" So that's what I did.

Thank you, Sonic. Without you, I probably wouldn't have ever listened to Christina. At the end of the video, I remember thinking, "Wow, that was nice." She had such a unique voice that to this day I just have not heard anything like it before. I then proceeded to binge watch as many of her videos as possible. For a week, she was basically the only singer I listened to. After that week, I listened to her every once in awhile. That was until she came out with her first music video for her song "Advice." She made an announcement video for it and I was just ecstatic. I'm pretty sure I screamed. I'm still internally screaming, to be honest. I'm still so proud of her.

This became my anthem in a way. Whenever I felt down, I would listen to this song and instantly feel better. No matter how badly I felt, she could make me feel better just by simply being herself. I listened to all of the songs from this EP, but "Advice" and "Liar Liar" (I was an angsty young teenager, okay), were my favorites. I went through the same process I did before. I obsessed over her for a bit then basically forgot about her. But Christina Grimmie isn't a name to be forgotten.

Another Christina Grimmie video, more me screaming. Words cannot describe how ecstatic I was when I found out that Christina had auditioned for The Voice. Her voice—she had become so confident. So powerful. Just, wow. I couldn't believe that the person that I watched sing in her bedroom would be on the road to stardom. She had always been a star, but now she was finally receiving recognition. I watched this video endlessly and tried multiple times but failed horribly at trying to hit the notes she hit. Confidence radiated off of her and I felt confident just simply by watching her. "I want to be like that," I thought to myself. I believed that if I could have had even a small amount of the confidence and power she had while performing, I would have been so successful in life. I remember lip syncing to this, and to many of her covers. Because when I did that, I felt empowered. She had that kind of effect on people.

So again, I forgot about her. The next time I remembered her, it was not for a happy occasion. When I heard the news about her being shot, I thought it was one of those fake news stories that get spread around for whatever reason. After hearing it from multiple sources, I just kind expected her to pull through. She was 22 for crying out loud, you aren't supposed to die that young. No one is supposed to try to hurt such a young and beautiful person, especially in that kind of brutal, gruesome, just cold manner. "She'll pull through," is what I told myself. But she didn't. I saw someone post on my news feed that she had died, but I thought that they had been simply misinformed. Christina was strong, basically invincible. How could she have died?

So after seeing a tweet from the Orlando police department that she had passed, I felt numb. I just couldn't wrap my head around the fact that she was now gone and I am still having trouble doing that. I binge watched some of her old videos and went through the same emotions I had when listening to her when I was younger. I watched video after video of YouTubers talking about the impact she had had on their lives. I knew she was famous, but I had no idea she had affected all of these people as profoundly as she had affected me. Not only did she impact them enough for them to talk about her, but even songs have been written and sung in her honor.

This cover really got to me and still does. Five years ago, Sam Tsui did a cover of "Just a Dream" with Christina Grimmie that was one of the many covers I became obsessed with. Hearing him sing alone without her voice, I feel empty. I listen to this expecting her to join in and start singing. I've listened to the cover she did with Sam so much that the thought, "She should be joining in any minute. Where is she?" constantly pops into my head. It sounds like it is missing something. It is missing something. It's missing her.

Is this just a dream? Some horrible nightmare? Am I going to someday wake up and she'll be okay? I wish this was just a dream. I wish she was still here, still singing. She kept on doing big things which would cause me to remember her, but now I'm going to have to fight to remember her otherwise I'll forget. Once people stop talking about her, is anyone going to remember her? Is she just going to fade into nonexistence? All of that impact on people just to be forgotten?

"If you look for the light you can often find it. If you look for the dark it is all you can ever see." The murder of Christina Grimmie and the murder of 49 people at the Pulse shooting shortly after has spurred a huge debate about gun control. More and more people are speaking out about their opinions about guns. Whether people are speaking out about being pro or anti gun control, both sides have something in common: fear. There are people out there that are abusing their right to bear arms and using it to maim large groups of people. People are focusing on the negative which is the fact that many people have died. Obviously, this needs to be acknowledged, but that's not all that there is to the story. The fact is that something needs to be done, and advocacy for change has begun. Instead of focusing on the fact that people have died, we need to put our efforts towards making sure people are safe. I can't say what should be done, but something needs to be done. If we sit idly by, this will just happen again and again like it already has and is.

I don't know what I would've done without you. Now that I am without you, I guess all I can do is remember you. Since you can't be confident for me, I'll just have to be confident myself. I won't ruminate in sadness over your death, rather I'll be excited about your life. I'll feel just as excited as I was when I first listened to you when I watched your first music video when I first watched your audition for The Voice. I'll let this excitement transcend into my own firsts. Life moves on and so will I, but that doesn't mean that I have to forget. Thank you, Christina. Thank you.