Birthdays. The time of year where you literally get to celebrate you making it to another year. A completely selfish holiday and is competent acceptable because hey life is hard. However, birthdays aren't always so bright and cheerful for those with depression.
I know I always dread my birthday the weeks leading up to it. I can't tell you why I hate my birthday honestly. I know I should love every moment of it. People buy me presents and take time out of their day to make me feel special, but I just don't. I have cried my last six birthdays and honestly, don't know what the reasoning was or if something caused me to have this reaction. I just know that ever since I was diagnosed with depression, I struggled to find joy in birthdays. Maybe because I know I will never be as happy as those without depression. Maybe I'm scared I won't have a good enough reaction when someone does something nice for me so I just don't let them. I stopped telling people it was my birthday, stopped trying to have parties. I don't want to burden people with my sadness and lingering gloom on my birthday. I don't want them to think I am ungrateful, I just simply cannot help it.
So this year I thought I would try and break the cycle by having a party, but instead, I am just more anxious thinking people won't show up, that I won't be happy enough, that thy won't have a good time and regret coming. I know this sounds crazy. Why would my loved ones not want to be around me? But that's what depression does. It makes you think you are alone. You feel like you are a burden to everyone around you, even if it is just you wanting to have a birthday party. I tell myself this year will be different, but I know I will get scared and revert to my past ways. My depression most likely will win. I will go to work and to school and tell no one that it is my birthday then come home and cry because no one noticed and think they were trying to make me feel bad, which I know isn't the case.
Depression isn't anyone's fault. I want everyone to know that. I want anyone who has this same experience to know that hey are not alone. Birthdays aren't fun for everyone. Birthdays aren't a celebration for everyone. Sometimes it's just a reminder of how much time has passed and you still don't feel better or haven't figured out how to calm your depression. And that's ok. You don't owe the world anything. You don't owe them a smile on your birthday unless you feel up to it. You don't owe a party to your loved ones if you don't think you will enjoy it. If you want to be alone on your birthday then buy your favorite food, put on your favorite movie, and do it with the things that make the depression not so bad. It's ok to not be ok on your birthday. I understand and feel your pain. You will get through it. One day out of the year and you're home free.
