For the last year and a half, I've fought my bipolar diagnosis tooth and nail. I bargained with myself. I denied it. I railed against it in anger. I flat out resented it.
Then, came October. I went from working three jobs and going to school, to laying in my bed for 18 hours a day. The only time I would go out of the house was to take my best friend, my dog, out to use the bathroom. I was a mess. And I accepted it.
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But, that acceptance point should have come much earlier. That acceptance point should have come when I was driving around the southeastern United States. That acceptance point should have come when I took the SIM card out of my phone before I left for my three-week excursion. That acceptance point should have come when I ended up at the top of a parking garage. That acceptance point should have come when I was told what my diagnosis was. But it didn't. And that's OK.
I've learned a lot about myself in the past year and a half. I've learned when I'm getting hypomanic. I've learned when hypomania is bordering on mania. I've learned when to recognize my baseline emotions. I've learned that my bad thoughts are actually more severe than most people's and that its called a depressive episode. I've also learned what to avoid.
A big reason I feared the diagnosis and railed against it was something that has motivated many of the decisions in my life: anxiety. There are certain people who I know who aren't accepting of mental illness. They're very close and integral to my daily life. There are certain people I know that I was fearful of being mocked, tormented, and "roasted" for the simple fact of being bipolar. There's also a large portion of society that doesn't understand what bipolar truly is. In an effort to get over my anxiety, own up to who I am, and dispel some myths, I'm writing this informative article about bipolar and me, personally.
1."Oh yeah my dad is bipolar, he gets pissed in a second."
Number one, you're invalidating the severity of my bipolar. You're attributing split second, normal human behavior to my debilitating mental illness. You're attributing "anger" to "bipolar." Where is the second pole? His being in a "normal" emotional state?
2. You're woefully ignorant of what bipolar is, and that's not entirely your fault.
When I tell people I have bipolar, they typically respond one of two ways; oh well I have anxiety/depression/other mental illness so I get it, or what point number 1 was.
If it's the first reaction, I have no qualms with it and will ask them to be as personal or rather impersonal as they please as I talk to them about it.
If it's the second, well, let's address what bipolar is actually, and not what the movies have portrayed it to be. Bipolar disorder used to be categorized as manic-depressive disorder, a much more apt term for it but quite a handful to say.
Bipolar disorder has two unique extremes of behavior, manic, and depressive. During mania, I may feel on top of the world. I'll crack jokes. I'll feel like I've had 100 red bulls and don't need sleep. I'll try to be the center of attention. I can accomplish a lot in a little bit of time. I'm powerful. Well, that's hypomania, a lessened form of mania. When I'm manic, I'm delusional. I've only experienced it twice, and am much more familiar with its cousin hypomania which is manageable and sometimes nice. Bipolar I distinguishes from Bipolar II by one severe bout of mania. Check.
Now, this only addresses one pole of bipolar. The second is depression or depressive episodes. During depressive episodes, I have the hallmarks of clinical depression; increased need for sleep and fatigue, a general "down" demeanor, suicidal ideation (depending on the severity of the episode), a lack of interest in things I usually enjoy, and total and complete isolation. This is the second pole that the stereotype of bipolar disorder seems to completely ignore by attributing bipolar disorder solely to split second anger
3. You don't seem bipolar, you've never just switched moods on me randomly.
And, that's another thing: bipolar disorder is not characterized by split second shifts in mood and behavior. In fact, studies have shown we have fewer variations in moods over the long term. The difference is, my moods and changes are not dictated by any events in my life. They're cyclical. And they're extreme.
Personally, I go a few months in a depressive state. I'll be baseline, which is meh for me, for some time, and then hypomanic for a few months. Sometimes, during hypomania, I'll border on manic. Sometimes I go straight from depressive to hypo, or vise verse. Sometimes, baseline doesn't happen for a while. All in all: your results may vary, but you don't randomly switch on a day to day basis. It's long term periods of extreme moods.
4. Well, I don't know how to help.
Reach out even when I'm a dick about it. Reach out when I flake, especially when I flake. Realize that I'm aware of my moods. Keep inviting me places. I cannot tell you when I will be back to going outside the house again. All I can tell you is that this will pass. I will be "fun" again. I just don't know when.
Don't mock me, belittle me due to having bipolar, or try and tell me I "just need" to do anything, or I "should just" do anything. That invalidates me, Belittles me, and makes me feel more misunderstood than I currently am. It makes me think you don't understand and that you truly believe it's all in my mind and I can wish myself out of it.
5. Don't bring up stupid things I did when manic.
Or even allude to them--I do remember. I'm embarrassed enough. I still fret to write this. I still hate that I am this way. I'm ashamed of the embarrassment I've brought on my family. I'm worried about my ability to hold down jobs. I'm genuinely fearful for my future because of my past. I don't need you reminding me.
In conclusion, just be kind, supportive, and radiate good energy. I can't tell you how many "friends" I have that I would never try and speak openly and honestly about my mental illness. But, I suppose that's what this is. A passive way of just "leaving it there," in an attempt to half apologize to all the friends I no longer keep up with, and half explain to all the friends who still sporadically check in with me.
