When I was in elementary school, I knew that I was different, because I didn’t feel or act as happy as the other children. Then, in middle school, I realized that I did not like being alive. Later, in high school, I tried to kill myself.
Being depressed when you’re young is weird. You don’t really understand anything about why you feel sad all the time, or why you want to die. You basically just go through the phases of life. Eventually, you learn that there’s a word for what you are: depressed. However, simply knowing what exactly it is that’s bothering you all the time doesn’t help much, and you still don’t fully understand it. Nothing really seems to help or matter, and you feel apathetic about the thought of death.
Since you’re young and you know very little about how life works, being suicidal makes things that much harder for you. It helps to have a support system of people who can assist you, but sadly, not many depressed kids have this resource. I was lucky enough to grow up with a family that supported me well, but even then, I didn’t have much support, as the stigma behind mental illness had implanted itself into the minds of the people around me.
Many kids and teenagers with depression have a hard time asking for help, as they feel as though their problems are not valid. I myself still have a difficult time asking for support when I’m feeling down.
I’ve found the most substantial problem with being depressed in your youth is that it may very well alter the course of the rest of your life.
Being suicidal in high school, I simply did not believe I would live long enough to see myself turn 18 years old and go off to college. This caused me to believe that school, and preparing myself for adulthood, was irrelevant, because one day I’d finally be ready to kill myself. Because I believed that nothing mattered, I suffered in school. My grades were not up to my full potential. I somehow survived to see my senior year of high school, but I did not get into the colleges I wanted to get into. The saddest part of it all is that I know I could’ve gotten in if I weren’t so depressed.
To put it plainly, what I (and I’m sure many other suicidal youth) can tell you, is that it’s difficult living life after being depressed. You find yourself behind everyone else who is mentally healthy, and you realize you’re going to spend the rest of your life playing catch-up in order to reach your goals. It's a vicious cycle; you are depressed because you're not where you want to be in life, which is caused by your depression, which only makes you feel worse. You're uncomfortable, because you're not where you want to be, and as time goes on, you realize you'll never be exactly where you want to be. You never really get used to it, but you learn to live with it.
The best I can say to someone struggling with depression is that you have to put yourself out there, and actively try to make your life better. It's difficult, I know, but I believe that you should exhaust all options before fully giving up. Understand that happiness is not the default emotion, even though it seems as though that's what everyone is aiming towards. Although you may have severe depression and it may never really leave you, you'll find ways to make life better, because, as cliche as it sounds, it will get better.
If you're feeling depressed, find someone you can talk to. There are also hotlines available:
U.S. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255 (for thoughts of suicide).
Kristin Brooks Hope Center Hopeline: 1-800-784-2433 (for other help with depression).
United Way Helpline: 1-800-233-4357 (for locating a therapist, healthcare, etc.).
