I'm not going to say that anxiety has ruined my life because it hasn't. But it has, however, made my life really difficult in ways that are extremely hard to explain.
Anxiety has rocked me to my core many times, more than I can count. It has made me fall into this hole inside of my body that is nearly impossible to explain. It has made me feel as if I can't keep my head above water. I constantly feel as if I am drowning, and that there is no way to pull myself up above the waves. There are some days that I feel like I'm just going to be swept out to sea and never be able to return. Other days, I am floating on an inner tube, enjoying a moment of relief before the next wave comes and takes me down.
When I was younger, I was always the first one to volunteer in class. I was the kid who introduced myself to the new kid in class. I talked loud, I was sure of myself, and I never backed down. But something in the past year of my life clicked something in my brain that sparked my anxiety and it hit me hard. It started off easy in the beginning, just with the anxiety of being at a new school and being thrown into the grown up world. But it has grown since then and festered and made itself into something that makes me nervous about falling asleep because it brings terrible, vicious dreams at night. It makes me nervous about driving because you never know what the other drivers on the roads are capable of. I'm nervous to walk to my car because these days, anyone is capable of just about anything and that terrifies me.
I went from being a girl that could make conversation with a rock to being anxious about riding alone in a car with someone because I was scared that I wasn't going to be able to make conversation. I not only get anxious about being alone with other people, but I get anxious about being alone with myself. When I am alone, my mind wanders off into scary places that I don't like being in. It takes me to places of regret, pain, nervousness, and fear. This is why I constantly have music blaring in my ears because the silence scares me and it takes me to a place that I don't like. This is also why I keep myself constantly surrounded by other people, at least when I am talking to others, I am not digging myself into that scary pit that only I know.
I've tried to find ways to cope with my anxiety. I've searched and searched for ways to bring my head above water. I just haven't found the way to do it yet. For so long, I thought that the best way to get rid of it was just by suppressing it. I forced a smile on my face and pretended like everything was alright when inside I knew that nothing was OK. I became extremely bipolar, going from one minute being perfectly fine, to the next being broken and in pain. But, I do not want to be on medicine to control it. I've seen what anxiety medication has done to people. People close to me have gone through actual withdrawals trying to get off of anxiety medication. I don't want to be numb to the world, I don't want to be in a constant fog, I just want to feel like I have some control like I'm able to breathe without feeling like there is a million and six pounds sitting on my chest.
My second semester of my freshman year of college was a hard one. This was the semester where my anxiety really took hold of me. I was scared to go to class, to sit in a room full of people whom I felt like were always judging me. It wasn't that I was scared because I didn't know them, I mean I never meet a stranger. But it was the fact that I thought that everyone in there thought I was stupid, that they all knew more about everything than me, that if I spoke up I would get shot down and ridiculed. So I never spoke, I never asked questions, I never drew attention to myself. As it got worse and worse, I started just not going to class. And the more I didn't go to class, the more I didn't want to go to class because I knew that everyone would just look at me as I walked to my seat. I thought that everyone would just look at me and judge me, and this forced me to not want to go. And everyone knows that most of the time if you don't go to class, you won't pass.
But at night, I was fine. I would hang out with my friends, spend time doing things that I enjoyed because that was the only time that I felt like I could breathe. When grades came out, I knew I wasn't going to have the best marks. I wasn't surprised when I saw my transcript, but everyone around me was surprised. I felt like a disappointment. But I couldn't explain to people what really happened. I knew that no one would believe me. I thought that everyone would just think I was making excuses for just being lazy. It drew me into even more depression and I felt even more like I was alone. So I did what I usually do and I just tried to hide what was going on.
When I finally told my best friend about my anxiety, I was shaking. I was on the verge of tears because I didn't know what she was going to say. I didn't know if she was going to be shocked, worried, disappointed, mad, which were basically the things I usually felt toward myself about having anxiety. But she wasn't any of those things. She was kind, understanding, and she told me that everything was going to be OK. Since then I have been more open about my anxiety and I've told more people. It shocked me to learn that so many people around me were living with anxiety and were happy and lighthearted. Talking to my mom gave me a lot of clarity. She has explained it to me that anxiety is fear of the unknown. She has lived with anxiety for years, but she raised some awesome kids and is so happy in life.
When you live with anxiety, the main thing that you usually want is relief. Just a moment where everything seems calm. One way to find this is by talking to people about it. I never would've thought that I could tell the world about my anxiety but since I did, I feel so relieved. No one thinks I'm a freak or that I'm weird, everyone just thinks I'm normal because living with anxiety is normal. It can be hard, but it is possible to live with it. I just hope and pray that as a continue to work through it, that I become stronger and better from it.
