Most people who say "I hate my body" are talking about something external, like how big or small a body part or feature looks. It's different when you can't see what you are unhappy with because the problem is on the inside. When I say it, I'm talking about my thyroid. I've been saying "I hate my body" because of my thyroid since third grade.
In third grade, I began showing symptoms of having an overactive thyroid. I was losing weight like crazy, yet I was always eating because I was hungry. I was losing sleep because I was so hyperactive. My parents were convinced I had ADHD. I literally could not sit still no matter how hard I tried. My attention span was non-existent, so doing homework was always difficult. I was so distracted at school I could tell my teacher was frustrated. The lack of sleep and hyperactivity caused my grades to start slipping, and I would get my seat moved all the time in school because my teacher thought my excessive "socializing" was the issue. Physically, you could tell I was sick just by looking at me. I had huge bags under my eyes from the lack of sleep and my eyes were sunken into my face from the rapid weight loss.
My mom finally made an appointment with my pediatrician to have me evaluated for ADHD. My parents had no idea all of my symptoms could be caused by an overactive thyroid, or hyperthyroidism. I had to have a lot of blood work to check my thyroid levels, as well as an ultrasound to make sure I didn't have a tumor or thyroid cancer.
Being only 8 years old and really not understanding what my body was going through was terrifying. After all the lab work and testing was done, my doctor referred me to a pediatric endocrinologist that specialized in thyroid disorders. I was officially diagnosed with hyperthyroidism. I hated going to the specialist, the office was at Children's Hospital in Detroit, so it was always a long wait. I would have to get my blood drawn every time I went since there really isn't any other way to check my thyroid levels. Then it was a system of trial and error to find the right dosage of medication to get my thyroid levels to normal. It was never a friendly appointment, and I feel like I saw a different doctor each time I visited the hospital. I also had to stop participating in gym at school, and I had to put my dance lessons and softball on hold due to my heart rate being too high from the hyperthyroidism. After changing the dosage and trying a couple different types of medications, my thyroid levels finally went back to normal, and eventually I didn't have to take the medications anymore. Unfortunately, it didn't last.
A few years later, I began showing symptoms of hypothyroidism (underactive thyroid). This time I had unexplained weight gain, I was lethargic and irritable, always cold no matter how many layers of clothes or blankets I had on, and my hair was falling out in clumps. Since I had been through symptoms that came out of nowhere before, I went to a new endocrinologist at a private practice that I liked a lot better than having to go to the hospital, and was officially diagnosed with hypothyroidism. I went through the same routine, get my blood drawn and then each time I visit getting my medicine dosage increased. Through the years I have learned to tell when my thyroid levels are off. I know it means a trip to the lab and then waiting for a call from my doctor about changing my medication.
I have somewhat come to terms that I have to live with these appointments and symptoms for the rest of my life since the disease cannot be cured. It's hard dealing with a disease no one can see from the outside. Right now, my thyroid is still in the under active stage, so I deal with being cold and tired all the time, as well as difficulty losing weight. But it could change to hyperactive at any time, so it's always a guessing game.
Every morning when I take the little green pill that makes my thyroid work, I think to myself "I hate my body."
