On April 30^th I experienced an extremely traumatic breakup and made the decision to check myself into a mental hospital, and it was the best thing I ever did for myself.

Mental health is talked a lot about amongst Generation Y, but so often do I hear millennials joke about having depression or OCD or some other mental disorder and never seek help for it. I experienced a sexual assault in the fall of 2015, so I had been to counseling a few times and tried a few anti-depressants, but I never committed to improving my mental health to a serious degree. I was Queen of brushing things under the rug and pretending everything was fine, and I was pretty good at it. But when I learned my partner had been cheating on me when I had devoted the rest of my life to him, something inside me just broke. I had discarded all of my dreams to follow someone else’s and in the end they didn’t see me in their future at all, and it was earth shatteringly devastating. It was akin to breaking your leg: you can sprain your ankle, you can get a stress fracture from too much use, or you can completely snap your femur in half. I snapped my mental femur. The tricky and awful thing about developing severe depression is you can’t put your heart in a cast, you can’t get some crutches and keep weight off of your heart. It just doesn’t work like that. I remember I was laying on my parent’s living room floor, sobbing and having a next level anxiety attack, when I realized that I needed some serious help, and not like going to counseling once a week kind of help. I needed a safe environment where I could heal and mourn the loss of my future. My dad called the hospital and I went in the next morning.

Here’s what happened

• They ask you every question imaginable (drugs, partners, favorite color, family information, you name it they asked it)
• They decide whether you need inpatient treatment or some other sort of programming
• They do a full body exam and I mean a FULL body exam
• They take away all your things, expect for approved clothes and books
• You start treatment

Some people “on the inside” stayed a few days, I stayed a week, and I know some other people that needed more help so they went to the State Mental Hospital (In Idaho, the State Hospital has more resources and is more suited for long term care). It all depends on where you’re at.

Treatment “on the inside” varies: We had twice a day activity time (which, for those who have experienced depression, getting outside can be hard so it was really nice to have it scheduled every day), group therapy 3 or 4 times a day, and I saw my psychiatrist once a day (this was a time where she asked about my daily progress and we started a medication plan). We had 30 minute gaps where we could journal, watch TV, or socialize with our peers.

I think an important question people frequently ask is- what situation puts people in a mental hospital? And the answer is literally anything. People get mental health treatment for divorce, death, addiction, biological mental disorders, or seriously any other trauma. I went into Intermountain (that’s the name of the hospital) thinking it was going to be like American Horror Story, but it wasn’t AT ALL. There were people my age, people who had experienced exactly what I was going through, and others who gave me some serious perspective on life. It never felt weird, I never felt like I was at a “hospital”, and most importantly I never once felt judged or belittled. The nice thing about sitting in a room filled with people who are depressed is everyone can empathize. Never once did I ever get a half-assed apology and an awkward “I don’t know what to say” smile. If I opened up to someone, I always received genuine concern and love in return. If it’s one thing depressed people can do well, it’s empathize with other depressed people. We could laugh and joke about our mental disorders and look at each other and genuinely say “I know how you feel”.

And isn’t that what everyone wants to hear? Everyone wants someone to look at them and say, “I know how you feel, and I’m so sorry you’re going through this”.

During my recovery the one thing I have heard most often is that you should expect to have peaks and valleys in your life. When you’re on top of your peaks- celebrate the shit out of that shit. Dance, yell, scream, kick, drink, and take lots of pictures. But when you’re in your valleys- get help. Then dance, yell, scream, drink, and DON’T look at old pictures (seriously, don’t do it). But sometimes your valleys will be really, really low. Some valleys will be so deep that the darkness becomes so thick you can’t see the sun anymore and that’s where I was. Have you seen that new Excedrin commercial about migraines, if you haven’t:

I wish people who suffer from depression could do this with their loved ones. Developing mental illness is SO hard to understand if you haven’t been in that dark valley yourself. It’s extremely hard to talk to other people about suicide or depression who have no idea what it’s like to want to end their life. Suicide is such a taboo word in our culture. If you say, “I’m having suicidal thoughts” to a friend or mentor more often than not, you’ll receive some sort of advice or bullshit response akin to, “but your life is so great, how could you think that?” Recently in one of my therapy sessions, my Psychiatrist and I talked about why people have suicidal thoughts. It’s all about control- suicide gives people a sense of control over their pain. When our hearts hurt, our brains cope better if we can control the situation. If you’re reading this and you have experienced suicidal thoughts I wish I could hold your hand and say, “I know how you feel, and I’m so sorry you’re going through this”. You have the right to feel sad, you have the right to be angry, and you deserve empathy. The only thing that heals broken hearts is time, and unfortunately most of your days after your trauma will be spent in the 5 Stages of Grief. No one has control over the things that happen to them or the emotions they feel after; BUT you do have the control to choose how you will act afterwards. Become the phoenix rising from its ashes, and be your most beautiful self.

Feel your pain, talk about your pain, and most importantly- seek help. The pain will eventually become less sharp and you will heal.