"I keep getting friendzoned."
"I asked her out and she friendzoned me."
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"How do I get out of the friendzone?"
I can't tell you how many times I've overheard conversations like these. Most of the time I find it annoying, but just ignore it. It's just a word, I think. It doesn't mean anything. But words always mean something.
I'm not an advocate for censorship by any means, but language is a powerful tool and the words we choose do have a real impact on peoples' lives. It can even be argued that language shapes society.
When you use a particular word or phrase frequently, I think you ought to consider why you're choosing to say it and what it really means. And that's why I think we need to talk honestly about what the word "friendzone" really means.
Urban Dictionary defines the friendzone as "what you attain after you fail to impress a woman you're attracted to. Usually initiated by the woman saying, "You're such a good friend". Usually associated with long days of suffering and watching your love interest hop from one bad relationship to another."
So basically friend zone is another word for... rejection. But of course you weren't rejected. Rejection would mean someone didn't actually want to date you, god forbid. Don't fret, the girl of your dreams just doesn't yet realize what a nice guy you are. Clearly, you should keep asking her out. She doesn't really mean it when she says she's not interested in you in that way. "I just want to be friends" is code for "keep trying."
I get it, nobody wants to get rejected. Rejection hurts, and it's okay to be bummed. What's not okay is to be so afraid of rejection that you'd rather blame the girl for turning you down than accept that someone's not into you.
Because guys, I hate to break it to you, but this is exactly what you're doing when you complain about getting friendzoned. Even if you're the "nicest guy in the world," a girl still doesn't owe you anything. Even if you comforted her when she got her heart broken, she still doesn't owe you anything. Even if you thought she was flirting with you, she still doesn't owe you anything. You think you two would be perfect together if she would only realize how great you would treat her? Guess what: she STILL doesn't owe you anything.
When did we decide that this was an acceptable way of handling romantic rejection? You don't say you got "applicant zoned" if you don't get a job. You don't keep barging in on that office telling them they're missing out on a nice employee.
I've seen online articles on how to supposedly get out of the friendzone. It's pretty awful advice. Some suggestions I've read include purposefully being mean so she doesn't think you're "soft," giving her the silent treatment, and not taking no for an answer. Maybe it's just me, but that doesn't sound like a truly nice guy. It sounds like a jerk who won't take no for an answer.
The bottom line is this: no one is obligated to date or sleep with anyone. Women aren't some game with a foolproof formula. We have our own preferences, just like guys. We're allowed to date who we want, regardless of your approval. And guess what? Friendship isn't a death sentence. Believe it or not, it's possible to be just friends with the opposite sex. The friendzone implies that the only reason you're hanging out with a girl is to get into her pants. If that really is your intention, okay, fine. No one said you had to stay friends. But if you're not going to be up front with your intentions or if you get upset when we aren't into you, you aren't really our friend after all.
So guys, next time you use the word friendzone, take a minute to consider why you feel the need to say it. Take a minute to think about why you feel entitled to date and/or hook up with this girl. And remember that girls can make pretty awesome friends: the next time you need someone to play XBox with, we'll be there.
