"Hey, y'all, my name is Hannah Paige Barnett. You should follow my Instagram." That sentence followed by a 'let me be known' handshake and a friendly smile seems to be my trade mark.
Friends, I am here to burst your bubble, and mine, to tell you that I Hannah Paige Barnett, the fun loving, outgoing, school supply obsessed, social media-aholic girl has an addiction. Actually I have several, because unfortunately I am very very flawed; however, today I will only be talking about one in particular.
Y'all...I am a hoarder. That's right I said it, I'm Hannah and I am a mega hoarder!
*voices from a support group* "Hi, Hannah."
I think I have always been this way, and maybe I get it from my parents, but if I am being completely real with you, I did not even notice that I was like this or that I even had a problem until my freshman year of college. The people that are really close to me, or anyone who has ever walked into my room for that matter, are probably thinking something along the lines of, "Girl! Whatchu mean you didn't know? MMM boo boo we need to call Mr. Clean to come help you out of denial city over here!"
Though that gives me a laugh, it is just the honest truth. I remember the night that it dawned on me. One of my good friends, Erica, (who by the way loves to clean) came over to my dorm room to help me clean. This ended up turning into her not only cleaning but also organizing all my things while I sat there twiddling my thumbs and playing with spots of smudged paint on the walls. Yes, I know, she is a wonderful friend.
While we were going through my things, I realized that there was a lot of stuff that not only I did not know I had, but also I had absolutely no need for. Erica kept asking me "what is this?" or "where do you put that?" About 99% of the time, I honestly had no idea what to tell her. Eventually, I just started asking myself why did I have so much stuff that I didn't need? Although I hate to inform you that yet again, I did not answer these very deep self analyzing questions until another several months later.
Every few months, my roommate and I would sit down and just have one of the best heart to hearts. Our very last one, about a week before school was over for the summer, we talked about my hoarding problem. At first, it just subtly came up by me making a sly comment about how proud I was of myself for keeping my side of the room clean for a solid week and then she made a comment that really got me to thinking.
"Do you think that maybe the reason you have so many "things" is because buying and having is a way to help you cope with emotional trauma?"
Finally, someone had given me the words that I couldn't speak. Not because I wasn't strong enough, but because I could not even gather enough logic together to think that there could be an actual reason to explain my erotic behavior. Crazy right? Go ahead and take a break to breathe because I know that was a very over exaggerated run on sentence.
It is very interesting if you start to think about all the little individual quirks we as humans have, and why we do the things we do. I am just starting an Intro to Psychology class this fall semester and I am very eager to learn more about not just myself, but also the people around me and humanity in general. What goes through someone's head when they do or say certain things?
What actually goes through my mind when I am purchasing something that I know deep down I really do not even need?
Growing up, I learned at a very young age that stuffing in my feelings and concealing my emotions was the right thing to do. In all reality, it may be the furthest from the right way to deal with serious emotions; however, that is just a bad habit that I adopted on day one.
When I start to think about the process that my mind goes through whilst dealing with severe feelings, of any kind, I start to look at my hoarding in a little bit of a different light. Perhaps, instead of me just being a crazy girl who can't seem to let anything go, maybe I am a sentimental emotionally damaged girl who likes to hold onto things that remind her of something that was once good.
The majority of the things that I hoard have a very meaningful memory behind them, even the ones where that memory is not the best. It is still a memory nonetheless. As far as things that do not hold memories, the other miscellaneous things, perhaps those represent a giant metaphorical mask to cover up all of my deepest pains and darkest hurts. Perhaps it is easier for me to observe people and how they react to the surface of my life rather than opening up and showing the what they are really looking for to get closer to me. If you think about it observing how someone behaves when they walk into a room is a big sign for how they would be with other things in life.
What I mean by that is that if a friend walks into my cluttered room and the first words out of their mouth is something along the lines of how messy and disastrous my room is, then the reality that goes through my head is that if they cannot accept something so general about me then how would they ever accept something more personal?
If someone walks in and just goes straight to sit down anywhere they can find a seat, then they more than likely will be a great listener and be very non judgemental.
With that being said, if someone walks in and they immediately start to clean, then they would be the type of person to not only listen and accept your problems, but also try to fix them.
I observe people. I tell you it is so very subconscious, and also subtle, when I watch the people around me. What will they say to me? What will they do? How will they react when I tell them something they may not have wanted to hear? What if what I say takes them back about fifteen steps and they just decide to walk on a different path? What if I am not good enough for them? What if they don't like me anymore?
These are all questions that run through almost everyone's head on not even a daily basis but probably more like a minutely basis. We all express those fears and anxieties we have about society in very different ways. I, Hannah Paige Barnett, express myself with stuff. Just saying the word stuff makes me feel claustrophobic and small. As bizarre as it sounds maybe there is some part of me that gains comfort in being surrounded by things that I know will not leave me.
I think when you boil down to it my biggest fear is also my biggest expectation of people in my life, to leave me.
Where they go?
That is none of my concern, because now they are gone.
While wrapping all of this up, I will leave you kids with this message: YOU DO YOU! If you have something that you do not like about yourself then your options are either to change it or accept it. Remember though, that if you cannot accept yourself then how can anyone else? Only then, once you can see yourself as the unique and beautiful creature you really are, can you start to let people enter your kingdom. Will it be easy? Doubtful. Will it be worth it? Always.
Even through pain you can still find joy. Sometimes you find the joy in a very hard lesson, but nonetheless there is always a silver lining.
To my fellow hoarders out there, you keep doing you. Being a little cluttered is not the worst thing in the world, but do know that it is okay every now and again to come back down to reality and put things back into perspective. It IS okay to let people in, and unfortunately sometimes that means letting other people clean your room...
Stay safe kids, and try to keep your room clean.
Peace out from your favorite hoarder
