Left, left, left , right, left, right, right, left, left, DAMMIT I MEANT TO HIT RIGHT! IT COULD’VE BEEN LOVE! SHE WAS SOOO SEXY!
After dating took the plunge into the superficial world of online dating, there came an even lower, more shallow, and superficial way to date online. Yes, I’m talking about Tinder. As much as we all claim to “never use it” or that “our friend downloaded it” for us, we seem to find ourselves on a semi daily basis swiping through significant other potentials as we glance at their maximum of six pictures and optional 500 character bio line.
We make fun of it ourselves because of course every girl out there “isn’t here for a hook up" and "just loves fishing and hiking and being outdoors!” and every dude just needs to make sure his height (plus an inch or two) is boldly displayed and every picture holding a dead animal, fish, or gun is displayed proudly. Also, we know which one you are in the group picture. Your bio line is probably full of lies, (you know exactly why your age is wrong -- because you lied about it on Facebook) and no one is going to actually remember what’s there if and when you meet in person (unless of course you’re just out to make some creepy online catfish friends).
We keep reading article after article and making comment after comment about how modern relationships and modern dating are going down the tubes. Well ladies and gents, technology (specifically Tinder in my opinion) has now allowed us to officially kill chivalry, dating, and the “making of the first move” as the kids call it. Unless of course, you consider your, “Hey, what’s up? :)” message your first move. If that’s your first move, good job bud, you’re on a fast track to only needing a twin size bed for a very, very long time. We’ll also go ahead and assume you “call” for your date with the “I’m here” text from the drive way or curb while you remain seated comfortably and belted into your car forcing your date to open her own door. If this sounds a bit like you, you’re not adding to the problem, you are the problem. Furthermore, since you didn’t open her door for her, you’ll never know if she was one of your three as described in “A Bronx Tale.” But, you probably don’t deserve a girl who will lean over and unlock your door if you won’t even bother to open hers.
The joke is posted everywhere in the online dating world, and if you’ve ever bothered to read the bio lines as you’re swiping you’ve almost definitely seen some joke on there about someone saying they’re “willing to lie about where we met,” or “we met at a Braves game.” No honey, you have followed the crowd and disposed of your social skills you once had for courting a mate and reduced it to no more than adding someone to a social media account and sending them text messages through said app.
This isn’t to say that Tinder is completely bad. Plenty of healthy long lasting relationships started with a pair of right swipes. For the most part though, with most matches, the conversation never goes more than one sent message that receives no reply, if either party sends one at all. However, let’s say you do message a bit; Cool, I’m a guy and you’re a girl so here’s a meal while we share semi awkward conversation as we eat. I’ll be a man, play it cool and pay the bill. Enjoy a slightly less awkward conversation over a possible dessert or milkshake. Give a half hearted hug, we’ll tell each other we had a great time. We’ll exchange a few more texts, maybe a Snapchat or two, then go right back to swiping away to repeat the process with someone new.
I mean hey, look at the bright side. If you’re a girl, you get free dinner really whenever you want and if you’re a guy you get to tell your parents you scored a date that night. But I need to cut this article short because my likes just refreshed and I’m on the prowl.
