Whether it's the big bowl of candy you shouldn't have, the severed Ram's head on the wall or your suite mate's ever-present cardboard cutout on Niall Horan propped up in the corner, it's a fact that you're always being watched.
I, myself, am under constant supervision and scrutiny. You see, as the Editor-In-Chief for Fordham's chapter of Odyssey Online, I'm in constant danger. It's a big job, and it means that you make some big enemies.
"Why do you have to share all of your dumb articles on Facebook so much?" They ask me, typically wielding a weapon in their hand.
"Freedom of speech, baby," is the only answer I give them, before doing a sick backflip and knocking them unconscious. When you have a position like mine, danger is at every turn. The Niall in my corner, with his lifeless eyes staring straight ahead, could potentially be a very flat assassin who is just waiting for me to let my guard down.
If you are a big-time person with a big-time job, I completely understand and am here to help. Here are five foolproof tips to stay safe in this dangerous era of smartphones, Google glasses, and flat men masquerading as cardboard cutouts (it happens more than you'd think):
1. Get Rid of All Technology
If you want to be safe, you have to go off the grid. Burn all of your gadgets in a big fire and roast some marshmallows over them. "But wait," you might be thinking, "aren't you typing this on a computer?" Uh, of course not, because I'm not a fracking hypocrite. I'm writing this with an ink quill on parchment paper, which my secretary will then transcribe and post for me (of course I have a secretary! As I've said, I have a very important job).
2. Change Your Name
This is really easy. Just go to the courthouse or put some white-out over your name on your birth certificate, and BOOM, you have a new name.
3. Change Your Face
Much like changing your name, this isn't really that hard. You can ask a friend to punch you so hard that you'll never look the same again. Or you can get plastic surgery, which is more expensive, but slightly more effective. This is a good way to go under the radar of possible attackers who have your photo and our trying to end you.
4. Remove Your Eyes
Heck yeah! Pull an Oedipus and get those suckers right out of your noggin because hey, if you can't see them, maybe they can't see you.
5. Remove Everyone
You've tried everything and doggone it, you're still being watched! The only thing left to do? Get rid of everyone else. Why should you be the one to seclude yourself by living underground or moving to Antartica? You don't have to give up your comfort; you're a god.
If you remember anything, let it be this: everyone else is the problem and you are perfect. They're all watching you so the only thing you can do is put them all in a plane or rocket ship and send them away, as far as possible. That way, no one gets hurt and you have miles of land all to yourself, free from prying eyes.
Everyone is watching you all the time, people. Hello, it's 2017! Every day, robots get closer and closer to creating a plan to overtake us all. But it's fine. Because if you follow anything on this list, you'll be safe from surveillance. You'll be free. Now, doesn't that feel good? You're welcome!
