We all do it. Beyoncé does it. Channing Tatum does it. Even that hot guy that you watch from afar in the cafeteria that ever so gently spreads his peanut butter on his whole grain bread does it.
Get your mind out of the gutter. I am not talking about sex. I am talking about pooping.
Aside from the bedroom, bathrooms are the second place where people are the most vulnerable. My fear of the bathroom began after watching "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone." Hermione Granger just wanted to go to the bathroom, when a troll interrupted her. It even escalated when I had a fear that Moaning Myrtle would appear every time I slid the lock in a bathroom stall.
If there is one thing that I have learned in college, it is that we have to be more confident in ourselves. The first step is to conquer the issue of "poop shaming".
Here are my tips on how to do your duty more effectively with greater results whether you are on an on campus toilet, a Port-a-Potty, or even doing it behind a nice sturdy spruce tree.
1. Lift up your legs. Your colon has a natural kink in it, so by lifting your legs, your colon can be emptied quicker.
2. Take a deep breath and relax. It is recommended that humans allow at least 15 minutes in your schedule for each visit to the porcelain goddess. Personally, I come up with some great ideas while popping a squat. You can think to yourself, "Where am I in life?" or, "If I had the choice to be in any Disney Channel original movie, which one would I be in?" Let your mind wander and your colon do the work.
4. Showers aren't the only place to work your vocal chords. Toilets are a perfect location to sing your heart out. I enjoy singing "Smells Like Teen Spirit" by Nirvana. By the time that song is over, everything will be scared out of your system. You can even make your own parody song that will inspire you to perform at your best.
5. Give yourself a pep talk. Usually, a classic pep talk would go something like this:
6. Bringing a friend to the bathroom isn't just a girls thing to do. Having a companion next to you to chat with is quite awesome. You know what they say, right? Friends that poop together, stay together!
7. Don't ever try to "hold it in." Make a literal run for it. If you have to go. Just go.
8. Don't feel guilty that there are other people in the stalls around you. Bathrooms were made for the sole purpose of your solid waste disposal. So don't be shy. There is no need to hide.
9.
If you have not completed your mission, I wish you the best of luck my friend.
10. Finally, make sure that you left the toilet in better condition than it was before. Wipe the seat. Do a courtesy flush. Replace the toilet paper.If you were concerned about the stench you left behind, make sure to carry Poo-Pourri with you in your purse, or pocket! One of my dear friends introduced me to this little secret, and it comes in many fabulous scents!
Now you are ready to share these inspiring tips with a self-conscious bathroom friend! Good luck on your journey.
