Dorm life is a struggle that many freshmen must face their first year of college. It can be difficult to live with someone in a tiny room for months and months, but here are 26 ways to make your roommate feel right at home.
1. Lie about who you are when you first meet your roommate.
If you're texting a potential roommate, completely lie about your lifestyle and your study habits so that you can surprise her after you've moved in together. Your new roommate will love to figure out that you aren't the neat-freak you claimed to be, and she'll love dealing with you drunk when you told her you studied all the time.
2. Let your roommate figure out that you snore.
Don't tell her that you snore, and, when she figures it out, don't offer any solutions to your snoring. Just keep on snoring every night and let your roommate buy a sound machine (or two) to drown out the noise. It's not your problem.
3. Whip out the acetone while your roommate is asleep.
Everyone knows that the best time to do your nails is at midnight. If you need to remove your nail polish, wait until your roommate is asleep one night, then take out your acetone remover. She'll love when whiffs of acetone wake her up.
4. Drop your dirty underwear on the floor.
Done with a pair of panties for the day? Leave them on the floor as decoration. Your roommate won't be grossed out by your crusty underwear at all.
5. Don't clean up your spilled food in the microwave.
If your mac and cheese overflows in the microwave, no worries. Just leave the mess for your roommate to find later.
6. Never, ever organize your side of the room.
Throw organization and order out the door after the first week in your dorm. Your roommate won't mind having to stare at your side of the room for months on end, wondering when the tornado hit and when to call Red Cross for disaster relief.
7. Put your shoes by the door so your roommate trips on them.
When you come in for the night, leave your Birkenstocks right by the door so your roommate trips on them when she gets up in the morning.
8. Don't put your dirty clothes in your hamper.
Why use a hamper when you can just leave your clothes on the floor? When you're done with your Norts for the day, leave them on the floor or throw them on your bed. It'll look great.
9. Crack ice cubes into a cup while your roommate is asleep.
If you're craving a late night glass of ice water, grab your ice tray out of the freezer and crack some ice cubes into a cup in the middle of the night. It won't be loud, and your roommate won't mind a bit.
10. Watch Netflix without headphones.
Not distracting at all. Your roommate won't care. She'll probably love to hear "How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days" line-by-line as she's trying to study.
11. Come in at 2 AM every morning when your roommate has an 8 AM.
Since you lied about your lifestyle, it's totally okay to come in every morning at 2 AM while your roommate is asleep. She loves the fact that you claimed to go to bed every night at 10:30, and she won't mind being woken up every single night for months on end because you have no respect for her sleep schedule. Also, she totally won't think someone's breaking in to kill her.
12. Sleep all day.
Though you're wrecking nights of sleep for your roommate, you can still get plenty of rest by sleeping all day! Don't go to class or anything. Just sleep all day long so you can continue staying out until the wee hours of the morning. Remember to snore during the day so your roommate has to go somewhere else to study!
13. Don't say goodbye when you leave.
What a weird concept to tell someone goodbye when you leave. Stop telling your roommate "bye" after a month or two. Just walk out the door without saying a word.
14. Let your friends eat your roommate's food.
When your roommate goes home for winter break, have guys over and watch as they help themselves to your roommate's extra food. She'll come back in January to find a half-full bottle of tea under her bed, and she'll love it.
15. Spray your perfume so the whole room smells like sickening fruits.
Choke your roommate with some strong perfume, and she'll never want to leave! Better yet, spray your perfume while she's asleep so she wakes up to the smell of berries and flowers and musk.
16. Leave dirty dishes sitting around for days.
After you eat, just leave your crusty dishes on your desk for a few days. It's a cute look.
17. Sniffle every thirty seconds.
Tissues are overrated and so is nasal spray. Why take an allergy pill or blow your nose when you can sniffle every thirty seconds instead? You won't drive your roommate practically insane, I promise.
18. Don't split the refrigerator bill.
Let your roommate pay the whole $250 for the refrigerator. Make sure to still use the refrigerator, of course. You paid for none of it, so use the entire thing. Buy a new BMW instead!
19. Lie to your RA about your roommate.
If your roommate has a problem with you and calls a meeting with the RA, no problem - just lie to your RA to deflect the blame! Twisting the story is the perfect solution.
20. Snooze your alarm 10 times so your roommate wakes up three hours before her class.
Here's an idea: set your alarm hours before your class starts and snooze it every nine minutes. Your roommate won't mind being woken up repeatedly at all! She'll love the fact that you dictate her sleep schedule.
21. Make food when your roommate is trying to fall asleep.
Who doesn't love falling asleep to the sound of the microwave slamming and the smell of Kraft mac and cheese?! Perfect way to drift off to sleep.
22. Get mad when your roommate wants to lock the door.
Safety? What is that? Make a big deal about locking the door so that thieves can get in easier and so your roommate doesn't feel safe. Also, don't lock the door when you leave the room!
23. Leave rotten food in the refrigerator.
Be sure to leave a tomato in the refrigerator over Christmas break so the fridge smells great when your roommate comes back. Also leave meat in the fridge for a week so your roommate's milk smells like rotten ham when she drinks it.
24. Don't make an effort to talk to your roommate.
When your roommate asks you how you are, respond with a word or two and don't ask her back. Also never ever initiate a conversation with your roommate. She doesn't want to talk to you anyways. Eventually, just stop talking to her altogether.
25. Don't use the dryers; hang your clothes everywhere in your room to dry.
Since it's such a hassle to put your newly-washed clothes in the dryer, just hang them everywhere around the room so they can air-dry for a day or two. Great for decor!
26. Never apologize to your roommate.
Even if you've ruined months of sleep for your roommate, made her consider sleeping in a hotel every night until the semester was over, and caused serious issues for her, don't apologize. It's not about coexisting peacefully with another person. It's about living however you want regardless of your roommate and her well-being. You do you!
If you haven't caught on by now, these are not ways to be the perfect roommate freshman year. In fact, this is how to be a horrible roommate. Thankfully, I lived through freshman year and have learned a hard lesson - pick your roommate wisely!
Considering the other hard lessons you learn freshman year, it's better just to save your roommate and yourself the frustration and avoid doing these 26 things at all cost.
Be honest about what kind of person you are and what kind of lifestyle you live. If you're a slob, say you're a slob. If you're a party animal, say that you are. If you're a neat-freak, say you are. Don't lie to someone just to get a roommate. You'll both end up miserable. Trust me.
