Is it just me, or are hipsters taking over the world? I feel like everywhere I look I see another millennial who has completely succumb to this stereotype. Sound appealing? Here are 15 foolproof steps to becoming a modern-day hipster.
1. Take aerial shots of your coffee
Drinking it, however, is entirely optional. Only the photos are required. If you do actually drink the java, be sure to critique and share your thoughts. The pickier you are about your coffee, the better.
2. Use natural products
Avoid products with chemicals in them that actually clean you. Opt for organic products, preferably items you’ve collected yourself. Another option is to avoid showering altogether. Actually, live in the woods. Actually, become a tree.
3. Despise Taylor Swift
Any “mainstream” music must be abhorred and verbally criticized. This rule expires once a song has been popular for fifteen years. It then becomes retro and you must like it in an ironic way. So all the music you hate now, you’re going to have to love in fifteen years.
4. Get the proper hairdo
You’re joining the ranks of the truly original, so naturally, you have only three options. Get a super funky cut with sections of your hair either missing or much shorter than others, wear beanies every day ever, or grow your hair as long as you can and never brush it again in an attempt to make it more inviting to birds and other wildlife.
5. Worship avocados
Put it on your toast, then put that on Instagram. Allergies do not excuse you.
6. Remove all color from your wardrobe
Neutrals are your best friend. Stock up on frumpy sweaters in various shades of cream. Patterns are acceptable in muted tones. The only exceptions are vintage pieces featuring prints of cats or exotic birds.
7. Condemn social media
Regularly discuss how modern technology disintegrates human connection. Share articles on how to be more present and give tips on how to use your phone less. Do all of this from your phone.
8. Live for social media
Spend hours capturing and editing the perfect shot for your Insta-aesthetic. Be sure to use plenty of filters and accompany all shots with unrelated lyrics from Indie bands. Include hashtags and follow similar pages to gain more followers. Avoid transparency or authenticity at all costs.
9. Collect mason jars
There’s really no reason for this one. Just do it.
10. Relish in alone time
You'll need to take breaks from the overwhelming hustle and bustle of modern society. However, all breaks must be documented. Take pictures of your cozy bed or share videos from your solitude with nature.
11. Own a record player
It’s worth investing in a bulky item that you can only enjoy in one room rather than purchasing music digitally that you can listen to virtually anywhere. I mean really, it’s not like music is for listening to. You need a cool photo of your cool vinyl, amirite?
12. Take photos of everything
Approved items to document include plants, cats, hardwood floors, hands, feet, and street signs. Human faces may be featured only if they are not smiling and looking away. You’ve achieved full hipster status when you’ve started taking pictures of your pictures.
13. Develop social quirks
Awkward is the new black. Speak in a monotone voice, fidget with your glasses, or talk exclusively about foreign films. It’s more approachable than, say, a confident, collected person. Be sure to appease the masses by belittling yourself and regularly discussing your own awkwardness and discomfort.
14. Deplore tourist traps
Travel regularly, but steer clear of those pesky sightseers and their overrated monuments. You’re too elite to be enticed by commercialized attractions like the Eiffel Tower or the Statue of Liberty. When you splurge on a trip, you want to spend your time doing the same exact things you’d be doing at home. That’s what really broadens your mind.
15. Insist that you’re “nontraditional”
If you want to be a unique individual but you’re finding it really hard, being a hipster is for you. You get to join a group of people who celebrate being different by being exactly like each other. So go on with your “unique” self. Just don’t start actually being unique. Follow these rules immaculately or your online following will plummet and you’ll stop being invited to brunch.
