Only those of us that have evolved past such trivial pursuits are really Living Life ™. So here are my 5 tips on how to go on with your existence without sleep.
1. Just Die
Vampires don’t sleep, haven’t you read Twilight? Forget the image of coffin naps you’ve seen in old horror movies – they are really just playing on their Nintendo in there. I recently sat down with my local vampire, a friendly woman named Fran Roswell, and asked her about her sleep habits:
Nicole: Just to clarify, you’ve given up sleep entirely? You no longer need it to function?
Fran: Oh hon! I haven’t slept a wink in centuries. And I’ve never felt more alive.
Ni: When would you say was the last time you had a full night’s sleep?
Fr: Oh, well that’s going quite a bit back, but if I had to guess, well, I think I’d say sometime in the spring of 1720. I was vacationing in Spain at the time. Very lovely country.
Ni: So I hear. And you never feel tired?
Fr: Only the weariness that comes with unending immortality in a world of increasingly compassion-less industry and capitalist exploitation, sweetie. But I’m sure we’ve all been there from time to time. And a nice Pumpkin Spice Latte always seems to brighten my day.
2. Replace your Blood with Sugar Water
This one might require the help of a trusty friend, although it is fairly straightforward. Simply cut off both of your hands and, hanging upside down on the monkey bars of your local playground, drain all the blood from your body. Then drink equal parts sugar and water. If fresh cut flowers can survive on this stuff, why can’t we? Bonus: your grocery bills are guaranteed to shrink!
3. Power Through and Man Up
If you are lucky, sometimes people, usually hyper-masculine sports-apparel-wearing types, will bequeath upon you what must be the most prestigious bit of knowledge and tell you to “man up.”
And somehow, miraculously, everything is better! You can just do the thing! The world’s problems vanish and for a split second the clouds part revealing the pearly gates of heaven. Well here I am to tell you to just walk it out, Champ. Sleep is for the weak! Just cut that shit out.
4. Take Short Naps!
Everyone needs a little R and R from time to time; relaxing and recharging is essential to self-care. Never neglect your mental or physical health. It is very difficult to jump into a life without sleep, especially if you’re used to doing it every day. But just remember that sleep is a mind-altering addiction. Moderation is key.
Set a timer for one minute and take a quick power nap. After every single minute, make sure you get up and active again before the next nap. Limit yourself to one or two naps every third cycle of the blue moon! #nappingisbae #sleepjoke #astrology #sorelatable
5. Exercise! Go Hiking or Swimming!
What’s more relaxing that trying to recreate the race between Michael Phelps and the Shark in your back yard! Your mild hallucinations will make the experience more vivid and less life threatening!
Participate in exciting new hobbies if you find yourself struggling to maintain your new lifestyle. Take advantage of your newfound sleepless freedom and do something exhilarating! Try free-diving! Experiment with pyrotechnics. Familiarize yourself with the limits of your own moral criminality. This is a journey of self discovery, after all.
*disclaimer: satire is funny but seriously get sleep, Rob.
