After enduring all the hype for the last, like five, years, I finally decided to watch "The Office" for the first time.
So tonight I begrudgingly sat, laptop open, to embark on the comedic journey that everyone promised "The Office" would be.
And man, was that first episode... was something else.
Here are the profound speculative thoughts I recorded along the way.
1. Steve Carell looks ROUGH.
How does this man somehow look fifty years older than he does now?
2. So we're breaking the third wall? I'm confused.
So he's, like, giving an office tour? But to who? And why? I have so many questions.
And do they just follow everyone around all the time? I need answers.
3. And they sell... paper? They're a paper company?
And they work of commission?! I bet they make bank. I want to work for a paper company!
And it's called Dunder Mifflin? Why does that sound like a band my dad was probably a part of in the 80's?
5. Poor Pam. Michael's so mean to her.
Pam is a tiny little floof dog that just needs love. I hate Michael. Back off my floof.
6. MICHAEL SCOTT IS SO CRINGY. And... racist?
"Hail Hitler?" Ambitious of you to debut such uncomfortable racism in the first episode. I'm sure it only gets worse from here?
But props to this character for representing all other white males in the business industry. I'm sure they're all cringy racists, too. (Shout out to you, Trump.)
7. HE PUT THE STAPLER IN JELL-O!
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I'm equally impressed and intrigued.
8. So... is this like a documentary? Still confused.
STOP LOOKING AT THE CAMERA. I'M UNCOMFORTABLE.
Maybe it was low-budget?
10.  BUT I SHIP HER AND HICCUP SO MUCH!
And listen, I know what happens. Everyone knows what happens in this show, even if you've never watched it before. I'm just happy that Pam's gonna have some Jim babies later on.
Too much?
11. Dwight is like that little brother that we all hate but our parents force us to "love."
He's the youngest sibling that's such a fricken tattle-tale, but is somehow still Mom's favorite. He's also the brown-nosing teacher's pet.
Wait a second. Am I Dwight?
12. WHY IS HE SO MEAN TO PAM?!
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STOP IT. PAM IS PERFECTION.
And somehow I'm even more confused than before I watched the show. But I already know I'll end up watching all nine seasons.
Curse you, pressures of societal conformation.
It also doesn't hurt that the show's funny as hell.
