At one time or another, we all have been guilty of idealizing people. Whether it’s when you were convinced that Mary-Kate and Ashley lived the perfect lives, from solving mysteries one day to throwing parties the next, or when you thought that one guy you went to school with was so far out of your league you were convinced you weren’t even the same species, let alone in the same grade. From celebrities to the people we encounter in our everyday lives, we hold high standards for those we admire from afar. And whatever expectations we may hold, they range from silly to seriously ridiculous. To embody and be equal to our heroes, role models, idols, often seems unattainable.
But of course that doesn’t stop us from trying. We go through many failed attempts, whether it’s failing miserably to impress a teacher with our knowledge or to charm a potential suitor with our amazing jokes that only we seem to find funny. But somehow we manage to find a way in. By means of desperation, pity or some sort of spiritual awakening, this person gives you a chance that you would be crazy not to take.
And with this new relationship comes the opportunity for discovery. Discovering new inside jokes, going on crazy adventures that you never would have dreamed possible and gaining exposure to some life-changing things like Thai food, a Twenty-One Pilots song or the amazing show that is Undeclared. We talk. We learn. We trust. We branch outside of our comfort zones and, in the process, discover a lot about ourselves. We master new skills like how to have a meaningful conversation, how to use emojis in the cleverest way possible or finding the strength to move on from an ex. And with these new successes, we abandon old fears of being judged, dying alone and not being good enough. Any way you slice it, you gain a lot from meeting someone new, stepping into their shoes to help you discover your own. Chip by chip, piece by piece, you open yourself up to all these possibilities.
But with that territory, comes risk. And pretty soon, you get so caught up in the excitement of it all that you start to lose yourself through this person. You become different. Vulnerable. Attached. Loved, even.
And just like that it can all change. One sour expression. One exposed secret. One conversation left unspoken. The illusion of this perfect friend, lover or mentor is shattered - otherwise known as the point of no return. Past feelings and memories that otherwise would have remained unscathed become reimagined. But now they have been brought into the light, shown as they really are. But that’s okay. Seeing the image distorted, revealing the man behind the mask is honestly the best thing that could ever happen to you. Though it may seem far from it, it is a blessing in disguise, because for the first time, you’re seeing someone for what they truly are instead of what you want them to be.
We get so easily caught up in what we hope to gain from people that the potential of what they have to offer starts to sound better than the actual person. This habit of illusion stems from a multitude of things:
The past.
Past experiences, especially painful ones, can often leave us scarred, clouding our judgment. Not everyone is alike, but when we’ve been hurt or disappointed, we can’t help but carry over these perceptions we have over people into the present.
Entertainment.
Films, television shows, songs, all of it can be persuasive if shown in the right context. Sometimes we thrive on fantasy to the extent that it starts to seem better than the alternative. We get so sucked up into these other worlds that it makes us reexamine our own.
Friends, family, lovers and mentors.
The people you choose to surround yourself with are ultimately a reflection of you. And over time, their views and mannerisms start to rub off on you. You start to pick up on different things and change your perspective.
We like to place our faith in others, but once that faith is shaken, it feels like it shouldn’t have been there in the first place. Having faith isn’t the problem; it’s when we let our expectations get the best of us that we get into trouble. Not merely through other people’s mistakes alone, but the lost projections of them that we still hold on to, hoping one day that they will suddenly become all we wanted them to be.
As a result of everything that we’re surrounded with, we get lost in a frenzy of what we hope for, versus what’s realistic. We get frustrated and take it out on our heroes, when we have to share in the blame. Accepting the faults in ourselves is the first step to learning to accept the faults in others.
In spite of all this, it’s important not to feel discouraged when these moments happen, but to welcome them. Like our good friend Hannah Montana says: “Everybody makes mistakes. Everybody has those days.” These experiences are often the most painful, but at the same time the most rewarding, and cathartic. And sometimes it’s good, liberating, even, to have to throw into question everything you once knew to be true.
In the end, the people we encounter and the lessons we learn from them all contribute to creating a more mature, stronger and sensible self. Knowing when to move past viewing our idols as invincible is an important step in realizing that they honestly don’t know much more than we do. We’re all just trying to figure things out; some just have a better way of hiding it than others. There’s a lyric by The Wonder Years that encompasses this sentiment best: “Growing up means watching my heroes turn human right in front of me.” You just have to be willing to use the broken pieces to put yourself back together.
